NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

Our weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Royal Mail’s injunction to stop the Christmas postal strike fails after they deliver the writ to the wrong address.

TUESDAY

More boardroom chaos at the world’s biggest fast-food chain as Ronald McDonald quits over an inappropriate relationship with Hamburgler. Company chairman Enrique Hernandez Jr says: ‘We’re going to miss that clown. They will be very big shoes to fill.’ Now that he’s left politics, Tom Watson is spotted in a park shouting ‘paedo’ at random old men.

WEDNESDAY

Historians asked to stop using the word ‘Anglo-Saxon’ as it’s racist give their response… with a very Anglo-Saxon word.

THURSDAY

The empty chair that James Cleverly should have occupied on Sky News announces it’s running for election, since it’s polling better than any human candidate. However, its slogan ‘The best thing standing in this seat is a chair’ proves confusing.

FRIDAY

After the ‘snowflake’ headteacher at the school named in honour of Rudyard Kipling banned the game tag, the writer’s most famous poem If gets a rewrite: ‘If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs… then you need to go on an empathy awareness course as you are clearly not sufficiently attuned to the mental wellbeing of your fellow stakeholders.’

SATURDAY

It’s the return of ITV’s hit reality series in which people are asked to swallow all sorts of toxic muck in the hope of gaining a small improvement to their lives. Otherwise known as its Election coverage.