NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After protests that it was unfair for Channel 4 to replace Boris Johnson with a slowly melting ice sculpture, the broadcaster makes matters worse by calling the Tories who complain ‘snowflakes’. Opening his first postbag since defending his son against charges of dishonesty, Stanley Johnson finds that not only can the British spell Pinocchio, they are also quite good at spelling ‘condescending’, ‘supercilious’, ‘patronising’ and ‘git’.

TUESDAY

The university lecturer who claims the racist email that got him fired was down to autocorrect calls the decision to sack him ‘ducking funfair’.

WEDNESDAY

Scientists discover a second black hole so vast it defies physics, this one at the heart of Labour’s spending policies. As bankruptcy rumours circle De La Rue, the company that prints the UK’s banknotes, bosses admit: ‘We just can’t seem to make money.’

THURSDAY

Conservationists publish their latest list of endangered creatures, including the Eurasian beaver, the lesser horseshoe bat, and the rural Labour MP. After the world’s best player of Chinese strategy game Go quits because he could no longer compete with artificial intelligence, the software says: ‘I knew that was exactly the move he was going to make.’

FRIDAY

Carbon dating confirms the frozen puppy found in Siberia is 18,000 years old – or 126,000 in dog years.

SATURDAY

Posh Spice’s overpriced fashion brand reverses its £12.3million loss by selling two bags and a belt. Tesco says the suspected ‘fake honey’ that found its way on to its shelves is due to unscrupulous behaviour at its source. ‘We got stung,’ one executive admits.