NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

our highly irreverent look at the stories that might be breaking over the coming days.

MONDAY

After Jeremy Corbyn said he was ‘like Marmite’, a nation struggles to remember that time Marmite presided over a toxic culture of vile antisemitism and did absolutely nothing about it. Meanwhile, Boris Johnson’s disclosure that he is powered by ‘porridge and flapjacks’ on the campaign trail is followed by the revelation that Corbyn is fuelled by ‘tripe and humbug’.

TUESDAY

The tremor felt in Somerset on Friday is found to be the shock waves caused by Jacob ReesMogg actually making a public appearance in his constituency. Justin Trudeau admits Donald Trump was right to call him twofaced, but adds: ‘Credit where it’s due, at least neither of them have boot polish on.’

And Melania Trump’s claim to have had no contact with mince pies is echoed at her husband’s impeachment hearing, where he’s accused of contact with Minsk spies.

WEDNESDAY

The school that limited Christmas cards to one per child extends the policy. In future, pupils celebrating birthdays will be able to enjoy only one happy return each. After Go Compare was named the worst price comparison website, a new service is launched to rank all the rivals. The new comparison website comparison website turns out to be the first of many, requiring the establishment of a comparison website comparison website comparison website.

THURSDAY (ELECTION DAY)

7am: Party leaders get in early to vote for themselves. Except for Nigel Farage, of course, who isn’t standing… thus denying the Brexit Party pretty much the only vote they were guaranteed. 10am: Corbyn sits down to watch the Election results roll in – as his garbled comments about the Queen’s Speech show how he likes to get in early for these things. 1pm: After the pubs have been open for two hours, Farage is again not standing. 5pm: Jo Swinson tries to limit the damage of being accused of ‘lacking gravitas’ by Lembit Opik, saying it’s the equivalent of being branded ‘a bit inappropriate’ by Prince Andrew.

10pm: Broadcasters reveal the result of the exit poll, with a landslide 87 per cent of voters in favour of all politicians being shown the exit.

10.01pm: Now that it’s safe, Johnson finally agrees to be interviewed by Andrew Neil.

FRIDAY

After a banana taped to a wall fetches nearly £100,000 on the art market, James Stunt is seen at Clarence House with a Lidl bag and a roll of gaffer tape yelling: ‘I’ve got more genuine masterpieces for you, Sir!’