QUOTES of the week

‘The striker was directionally oblivious, the midfield comatose, the defence absent in the stand and the goalkeeper behind the net retweets a clip of his one save in a 9-0 thrashing.’

Tony Blair blasts the Labour leadership after its Election disaster.

‘Normally when a socialist revolution fails, they all get taken to a football stadium and shot. At least that didn’t happen this time.’

Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell’s reported comment to Labour colleagues.

‘Dress however you please. Call yourself whatever you like. Sleep with any consenting adult who’ll have you. Live your best life in peace and security.

But force women out of their jobs for stating that sex is real?’

J.K. Rowling defends a tax expert who lost her job for saying that people cannot change their biological sex.

‘I think people would do well married if they didn’t have to live in the same house.’

Actress Kate Beckinsale believes she has the recipe for a happy relationship.

'Liquid cake.'

Susanna Reid reveals her doctor’s description of calorific wine.

‘She said, “He’d never have let you out in that shirt and jumper.” First proper laugh since widowhood arrived.’

Radio 4 star the Reverend Richard Coles recalls a friend’s reaction after the death of his partner.

‘1. Row ten hard strokes. 2. Turn around and ask, “Is that Australia?” If no, go to instruction 1.’

Olympic legend Sir Matthew Pinsent’s advice to Royal Marines planning to row across the Pacific next year.

‘It has transformed him from being a very miserable person into a fairly miserable person.’

Liz Hurley highlights the effect fatherhood has had on actor Hugh Grant.