NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR highly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days.

MONDAY

J.K. Rowling doubles down on her insistence that women can’t become men and men can’t become women. Her alter-ego Robert Galbraith disagrees. Boris Johnson denies that his plans for voter IDs will unfairly disenfranchise the poor, saying plenty of everyday documents will be accepted at polling stations, including membership cards for the Bullingdon Club, grouse-shooting permits, peacock licences and knighthoods.

TUESDAY

Given his Election defeat, Jeremy Corbyn is forced to cancel a planned trip to his spiritual homeland of Venezuela. So, yes, he will be pulling Caracas this Christmas.

WEDNESDAY

At Midnight Mass, believers are asked to remember Mary and Joseph’s long and uncomfortable journey on the back of a donkey. Not to Bethlehem 2,000 years ago, but to Glasgow yesterday after the 12.45 ScotRail train was cancelled for a rail replacement ass service. It’s the Queen’s Christmas Day speech, with the section about Prince Andrew comprising two minutes of Her Majesty banging her head on the desk and wailing: ‘What on Earth were you thinking, you stupid, stupid pillock?’

THURSDAY

The BBC is inundated with complaints of pro-Corbyn bias after devoting an hour to the scruffy character with eccentric opinions who struggles to communicate with humans… before viewers realised they were watching the new Worzel Gummidge.

FRIDAY

Following the news that Greta Thunberg’s life is to be turned into a movie, a focus group considers some possible titles: Emission: Impossible, Dude, Where’s My Car...bon Footprint? and Deforestation Gump. After revealing one of Prince Louis’s first words was ‘Mary’ when he recognised Mary Berry, the Duchess of Cambridge discloses that he’s also prone to a soggy bottom.