TURKEY ALTERNATIVES

SAINSBURY’S NO BEEF WELLINGTON

£7 (serves three)

Po-faced, grim and dull, this has an odd, artificial flavour and all the edible appeal of wet cardboard. The pastry is turgid, the filling strange. Not so much Ho, Ho Ho as No, No, No.

★☆☆☆☆

WAITROSE & PARTNERS VEGAN ROOT EN CROUTE

£5.99 for two

Now we’re talking. Decent, crisp puff pastry with vegetables that actually taste as they should. Well seasoned, and a good whack of smoked paprika. There’s texture and taste and general joy. I’d happily serve this up. And eat it too.

★★★★☆

M&S PLANT KITCHEN BUTTERNUT, ALMOND AND PECAN NUT ROAST

£12 (serves four)

It looks quite attractive, but has an odd texture, is oversweet and doesn’t really taste of anything at all. It actually reminded me of cheap granola. Odd. If this looked at me in the street, I’d cross the road to avoid it.

★★☆☆☆

M&S PLANT KITCHEN ROOT VEGETABLE TARTE TATIN

£10 (serves four)

Another really decent dish. Good caramelised pastry and lots of plump, justtender vegetables. Well seasoned and it looks pretty too. I’d be happy to serve this up on the Christmas table and equally happy to eat it again.

★★★★☆

TOFURKY VEGETARIAN FEAST

£21.99 (serves six)

What fresh hell is this? Debased, debauched and utterly vile, this should be banished. And never, ever mentioned again. With its industrial-rubber texture and foul taste, it reminds me of grouting. Possibly the worse thing I have ever eaten. Makes raw tripe seem like caviar. Ban this sick filth. Go furky yourself.

★★★★★

SGAIA FOODS CLASSIC SAGE AND ONION FILLET

£16 (serves six to eight)

Tastes of sage and salt. Which is fine if you like salty, rubbery sage. But it’s so damned boring I’d forgotten I’d eaten it. Even while I was chewing it. As dreary as a Cliff Richard Christmas special. Best place for this is the bin.

★★★★★