A bad day was sitting thinking: If nothing good comes up in six months, then I will just do away with myself
He was a fierce competitor at the top level but, as his star began to wane, Ryan Stevenson faced his biggest battle yet
WHEN Ryan Stevenson checks in at Ibrox on Friday for only the second game of his professional football comeback, there will be physical obstacles to surmount. The 35-year-old was playing in the SJFA West Premiership for Troon until three weeks ago.
He last featured in the top flight in November 2015 and, before the Juniors, spent 18 months out of the game altogether.
Having conquered the mental impediments in his life, however, bridging any obvious sporting shortcomings with Stranraer against Steven Gerrard’s stars really is a trifling concern.
Viewing this William Hill Scottish Cup fourth-round tie against Rangers as a challenge to relish should be marked down as a triumph in itself for Stevenson.
For the former Hearts and Ipswich forward can only now announce himself back from two years trapped in a personal hell during which he began to contemplate the very worst outcome.
He recalls: ‘A good day was getting through it. A bad day was sitting thinking: “If nothing good comes up in six months, then I will just do away with myself”.
‘Whether I’d have had the b***s to actually do it, I don’t know. I did always try to keep myself fit and motivated to find a way.
‘As I was out running, I thought: “Something good has to happen. And if it doesn’t, then I’m better off not being here”.
‘So I’ve come through a huge black cloud. I’m back enjoying my life again.’
From rejection at
Chelsea as a teenager, Stevenson travelled back up the ranks through St Johnstone and Ayr United to hit the Premier League with Hearts as the first signing of Jim Jefferies’ second spell as boss.
A versatile, all-action hero to Hearts fans in two stints, with time at Ipswich in between, he was also an easily recognisable figure to opposition supporters by virtue of the proliferation of body art.
In November 2011, he was called up by Craig Levein for a Scotland friendly in Cyprus, making the travelling party but not a debut.
On reflection, Stevenson suspects he didn’t make the most of his peak years.
‘Listen, I have had an amazing career,’ he said. ‘Loads of highs. Scored a winner against Rangers, a goal against Celtic, scored in a League Cup final for Hearts (in the defeat to St Mirren in 2013).
‘I probably didn’t seize the moment at Hearts or at Ipswich. I probably let the situation and a bit of fear get the better of me. Right across the board, there are things I could have done better at any stage of my career.
‘Even at Hearts, I thought: “Should I be here, am I good enough?” There was always a bit of self-doubt.’
However, it was how Stevenson suffered on the descent that presented far more serious problems. He couldn’t shake the feeling of dread over where his career might be heading.
A transfer from Hearts to Partick Thistle didn’t even require a drop in division. In fact, Alan Archibald’s team escaped relegation as administration-hit Hearts hurtled down with a points’ deduction into the Championship.
Yet Stevenson, then 29, was already in the firm grip of a destructive anxiety over what lay ahead later in his life.
Under the pressure he placed on himself, he later buckled. And as with so many who have endured similar suffering within the machosporting sphere, the early cracks were not on show.
‘I didn’t realise at the time how massive it was when I left Hearts to go to Thistle,’ he explains. ‘But then I realised I was on a downward spiral — and that playing football wasn’t going to last forever.
‘I’d lived in a bubble at Hearts, where every game was massive and I loved every day of training.
‘Partick Thistle is a great club but, for some reason, it just never happened for me there.
‘Then I started to think: “What’s coming next? At some stage, this will end. So where will I go?”.
‘It would have to be something lasting longer than what I’d done in football — and football had been my whole life, my whole identity.
‘Everyone knows you as Ryan Stevenson the footballer. Who will I be after that? I had no clue and that started to get the better of me.’ Loaned out from Firhill at Christmas 2015, Stevenson dropped down to League One. He was back at hometown club Ayr United but without the home comforts. The turmoil of a divorce saw his problems stack up as the pain of being apart from young sons Carter and Brady took an awful toll. ‘There was a huge collision of two major factors in my life,’ he admits. ‘It was a huge mess. ‘I’d gone from seeing my kids every day to seeing them once a week, maybe twice. I didn’t know how to cope with that.
‘I always wanted to be the dad involved in his sons’ lives every day. But that wasn’t going to happen.
‘As I was trying to fight my way through all the things that happen with a relationship split, every day became a struggle for me. I had no direction.’
Via Dumbarton, he landed at Raith Rovers in 2016-17 and the spirit for continuing in the sport was flagging.
On the night of February 28, 2017, that sunk to an all-time low.
Amid a goalkeeping crisis at Raith, Stevenson stepped in to play between the sticks for 90 minutes against his old club Ayr at Somerset
Park. He conceded only once, in the 62nd minute, of a 1-0 defeat. Yet this was no moral victory. Not when he had lost his personal battle to carry on playing.
Stevenson recalls: ‘Everyone thought: “What an amazing thing, going in goals”. It was all a laugh and people wanted to talk about me doing that.
‘I just felt like utter s**t. I stood in goals thinking: “This is the last place I want to be”.
‘And yet this was at Ayr. I come from Ayr, supported Ayr, a lot of friends were at the game and I respected them so much.
‘But I came away and thought: “I need to get out of here, I need to get away”. I’d been training every day at Raith with my head fried.
‘To be fair, it wasn’t just football. Because I was then meant to sign with Troon Juniors and I didn’t.
‘So it didn’t matter if it was Barcelona or Troon, I was mentally ruined. I just totally broke down.
‘I was on my knees as a man. My full life from six was football and, from 17, it was my ex-partner. By the age of 31, the two of them had disappeared. For the next two years it was hell. Every day.
‘I could maybe count one good day a week. When I had the kids, it was good, I could maybe forget about it for a couple of hours. For 95 per cent of the time, though, it was s**t. Total pain.’
In a mind being muddled by his fears, straight thinking had no place. Two months into retirement and with no job prospects, Stevenson grabbed at an opportunity to play in Australia with Peninsula Strikes.
‘I was so rash in everything I was doing, so desperate to fall into
My life was a mess. Every day became a struggle. I had no direction
People know you as Ryan Stevenson the footballer. Who are you after that? Throw in getting divorced... it was a huge collision of two major factors in my life
FORMER Hearts star Ryan Stevenson has disclosed the torment of his mental health struggles as he prepares for a stunning high-profile comeback at 35 this week.
Stevenson is in line to make his second appearance for League One minnows Stranraer in a live televised Scottish Cup fourth-round tie at Rangers on Friday.
He returned to the professional ranks earlier this month after a year with Troon Juniors in the SJFA West Premiership and has vowed to make the most of his opportunity.
That’s an outlook in stark contrast to the one which bedevilled him on a descent from the Scotland squad, playing top-flight football with Hearts and Partick Thistle and in the English Championship at Ipswich.
Today Stevenson details the dark places he found himself in as the weight of personal problems, losing interest in football then quitting the sport for almost two years took their toll.
‘I’ve come through a massive black cloud,’ admits Stevenson. ‘The last two or three years have been a massive learning curve for me in every sense. As a man, as a dad, as a son, as a friend.’