NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR highly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

The first words are heard from an Egyptian mummy who has been entombed for 3,000 years. They are: ‘Is Brexit done yet?’ Despite the new Titanic treaty banning opportunistic scavengers salvaging scraps from a decaying sunken wreck forever linked with hubris, the Labour leadership debate still goes ahead.

TUESDAY

Chinese authorities say they shut down Disneyland as a precaution against the coronavirus after they overheard an employee admit he had been Sneezy all week. After last week’s decision, the Doomsday Clock is physically advanced closer to midnight. Now the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on… America’s nuclear button, as its owner tweets insults at Iran.

WEDNESDAY

The BBC confirms the next directorgeneral will definitely be a woman, because that way they can pay her less than a man.

THURSDAY

Troubled upmarket paint-maker Farrow & Ball issues a financial statement insisting its accounts are not in the red, but in the ‘Spanish carmine at first light on a crisp Michaelmas morn’. Guyana celebrates getting a better placement on the newly released list of the world’s most corrupt nations, with a jubilant foreign minister saying: ‘See, it was well worth slipping that bung to the judges.’

FRIDAY

Boris Johnson gives further details of plans to move the Lords to ‘the North’, explaining that if John Bercow ever gets elevated to the Upper House, they will sit on the Outer Holm of Skaw, an uninhabited Shetland isle. Parties, fireworks and celebrations ring out across the UK as we finally end the seemingly interminable grind that has for so long paralysed this nation. Yes, at last, January will be over. Oh, and we also leave the EU.

SATURDAY

The bingo company that suggested new calls to appeal to a younger generation says it has no plans to change what players shout when they win, as twentysomethings will never be able to get a house.