NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!
OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Boris Johnson finally visits flood-hit areas of Britain… once a mystery billionaire agreed to pay for it, no questions asked. Priti Patel clarifies that while people with limited abilities will no longer be able to get into the UK, they will still be allowed in Cabinet – much to Grant Shapps’ relief
TUESDAY
As the Government announces a ban on firewood, families around the country start burning a new fuel that’s available in almost unlimited supply: unsold copies of John Bercow’s memoirs. Following the ban on using Sussex Royal branding, Prince Harry announces a solution that’s entirely in keeping with his new status: a sponsorship deal with Burger King to trade as Sussex Chicken Royale®. Plus he gets to wear a crown, albeit a cardboard one with ‘I love a Whopper’ written on it.
WEDNESDAY
The olde-worlde sweet-shop manager who quit rather than accept the introduction of barcodes says it’s the laser they use that she really can’t abide. For her, it’s a real red-line issue. After London music star
Dave performed a provocative political rant at the Brit awards, in which he rapped about Grenfell and Windrush and branded the Prime Minister a ‘real racist’, fans admit he’s changed a lot since Chas died.
THURSDAY
Marvel reveals its new superheroes representing each nation of the UK. Although Orangeman doesn’t go down too well in parts of Northern Ireland.
FRIDAY
After hundreds of thousands of mussels are cooked to death in a heatwave off a New Zealand beach, environmental campaigners describe the carnage as ‘absolutely delicious’.
SATURDAY
Having demanded their own space in office fridges, vegans are actually given their own spaces everywhere in the workplace, so colleagues don’t have to listen to them bang on about their tedious diets. The violinist who kept playing during her brain operation stages a benefit concert as a thank-you to her surgeons. In the programme are Vivaldi’s Four Scissors, the William Tell Probe-ature, Gas & Air On A G String and something by Stitchard Wagner.