NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

The World Health Organisation continues to hold back from declaring a coronavirus pandemic – but it does increase the infectiousness level to Crazy Frog.

TUESDAY

After the EU says it will need evidence that the products it imports really are made in Britain after Brexit, a negotiator says ‘falling apart in six months’ would be proof enough.

WEDNESDAY

Youngsters take issue with a report that they are only interested in books way below their reading age. One 18-year-old said he was really enjoying the title he had and hoped to have it all coloured in by next Wednesday. China insists the 100,000-strong ‘duck army’ being sent to Pakistan to counter a locust plague is made up of elite quack troops.

THURSDAY

Victoria Beckham gently breaks it to husband David that the train ticket he’s kept since their first meeting doesn’t, as he thought, have her telephone number written on it. The long string of digits was actually the cost of a last-minute first-class ticket. Following constant break-ins by children at the Burton’s biscuit factory, police say they are convinced people who stole Wagon Wheels used to be bigger in the old days.

FRIDAY

The BBC admits it stopped viewers voting for the UK’s Eurovision entry this year after Tuney McTuneface took an early lead. After the iPhone manufacturer says no movie baddies will ever be seen with an Apple, Disney is forced to make some pretty substantial edits to Snow White.

SATURDAY

In a post-mortem into last week’s Twitter storm, Yorkshire Tea admits that once Chancellor Rishi Sunak posed with its teabags, relationships with some customers became strained. However, trolls later admitted, with some humili-tea, that ‘samovar tweets were too strong’ and now they get oolong just fine with the brand. But none of this would have happened under one of Rishi’s predecessors, Alistair Darjeeling.