NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Health Secretary Matt Hancock’s plans for a ‘passport’ to show who has developed immunity to coronavirus are held up by a row about whether or not they should be blue. And after care staff fail to get the masks, gloves and other personal protective equipment he promised, they are bugged by spam phone calls and text messages asking: ‘Have you been missold PPE?’

TUESDAY

In this time of national crisis, new Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer says he’s putting together a Shadow Cabinet that will really count. So that’s Diane Abbott out.

WEDNESDAY

As goats roam the otherwise deserted streets of Llandudno, residents complain that the nanny state has gone too far. The BBC says it will fill the gap in its schedules caused by the cancellation of Wimbledon with two weeks of Cliff Richard singing. But the plan is later dropped for fear of driving people outside.

THURSDAY

The scientists who last week cast doubt on the hallucinogenic effects of LSD cite their sources: a 7ft pink hamster with spinning-top eyes and a man with the melty face and trees for arms who talks backwards. Meanwhile, fellow researchers who found that mice can show six basic emotions with their facial expressions note that it’s five more than Keanu Reeves can muster.

FRIDAY

Bishops are reminded not to wear more than one ceremonial hat when they deliver their Good Friday messages. After all, it’s important that everyone keeps two mitres apart. The new small-screen drama begins about a man who extracted £1million he didn’t deserve out of ITV. The Paddy McGuinness Story runs until Easter Sunday.

SATURDAY

Britain prepares to enter week three of the lockdown – and for the first time in human history, a game of Monopoly actually reaches its natural conclusion rather than being abandoned early.