NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!
OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Health Secretary Matt Hancock unveils a new NHS funding model, saying that by 2023 the health service will be financed entirely by 99-year-olds walking around their gardens. And, true to form, the badges he promised carers fail to show up, leaving desperate staff to improvise their own with cardboard and Sharpies.
TUESDAY
Sports Direct’s Mike Ashley closes the deal to sell Newcastle United to Saudi Arabia. A repressive, authoritarian regime known for its dubious human rights record, Sports Direct will remove its ads from St James’ Park.
WEDNESDAY
Now stuck in lockdown, new MasterChef champion Thomas Frake posts recipes for what he’s really eating: Hand-sourced Weetabix floating upon a jus of carton-fresh cow sap; Munch of Monster with a coquettish suggestion of craft-pickled onion; and potted noodle infused with a graceful coulis of monosodium glutamate and disodium guanylate.
THURSDAY
People who packed Westminster Bridge to ‘clap for carers’ unveil their latest campaigns: ‘juggle an axe for the NHS’, ‘petrol-bomb a neighbour for the fire brigade’, and ‘sound an airhorn for the Noise Abatement Society’. Following his death on Friday, legendary Leeds United hardman Norman Hunter is given a proper send-off – just as he was in so many of the matches he played in.
FRIDAY
On today’s edition of This Morning with Eamonn Holmes: fashion experts rate the latest spring/ summer collections of tin-foil hats; tips on how to feed your family for £5 a day without financing the secret illuminati cabal of shape-shifting lizard kings; and the weekend’s weather forecast predicts an occluded front of mind-control chemicals sweeping in from the imperialist West. Sharon Stone ends her virtual dates with the ‘aeronautical engineer’ she met online after discovering what he actually does is make paper aeroplanes.
SATURDAY
After George Clooney gets permission to build a new toilet block at his Berkshire mansion, he uses it as a set to remake some classic movies during lockdown. Coming soon: Lav Actually, The Flushed And The Furious (Number 2), U-Bend It Like Beckham and Bridget Jones’s Diarrhoea.