QUOTES of the week

‘If we’re up against Matt Hancock, our ratings shoot up, but when it’s Rishi Sunak we’re in trouble. He’s the Bradley Walsh of the Cabinet.’ Pointless star Richard Osman on going head-to-head with Ministers taking the daily coronavirus press briefing. ‘Easily survives travel north to castle.’ Anagram of ‘stay alert, control the virus, save lives’, posted on social media in the wake of Dominic Cummings’s trip to Barnard Castle. ‘Dominic Cummings is late for his statement because there’s traffic on the A1.’ Comic Jack Whitehall jokingly tweets after the No10 aide’s press conference to explain his trip to Durham was delayed. ‘I can name 100 things more important now than fixating on how much money I have.’ Kylie Jenner, who was axed from the Forbes list of billionaires amid claims that she inflated her wealth. ‘A bottle of brandy, a bottle of calvados and six boxes of cigars.’ Former Tory MP Ken Clarke’s response after a neighbour asked whether he needed any essential groceries. ‘When the looting starts, the shooting starts.’ Donald Trump’s tweet threatening to use the military to stop protesters following the custody death of an unarmed black man in Minneapolis. It was later hidden by Twitter for glorifying violence. ‘In my last years as a police officer, I lost count of the number of times my teams were unable to stop crimes happening in the UK because of decisions taken thousands of miles away by Silicon Valley executives.’ Former senior Scotland Yard officer Sir Mark Rowley criticises Facebook plans to encrypt its messages. ‘DeliverRuth.’ Nickname given to Ruth Rogers’s River Cafe restaurant after it started a Deliveroo-style takeaway service. ‘I couldn’t bear the curly bits misbehaving any more.’ BBC Breakfast’s Naga Munchetty after cutting her own hair.