NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days.

MONDAY

After Boris Johnson is pictured wearing a mouth covering in public for the first time, aides deny it’s to stop him putting his foot in it. Rishi Sunak reminds voters that however generous his measures, they will not help everybody with a role that’s become redundant – such as ‘Leader of the Opposition’.

TUESDAY

As gyms prepare to reopen, one muscle-bound customer says: ‘I feel like a huge weight is about to be lifted.’

WEDNESDAY

In the next stage of their bitter court case, Johnny Depp says that if his ex-wife thinks he’s insulted her, she’s definitely Miss Heard. Donald Trump renews his calls for the US education system to be reopened, saying there are surely millions of American parents desperate for their children to go back to school and pay someone else to sit their exams for them.

THURSDAY

The 153 authors who signed an open letter calling for an end to the so-called cancel culture face a backlash from liberals who want to cancel the ‘cancel cancel culture’ culture. Ministers emerge from their houses for a two-minute clap for all the parking wardens who will be selflessly issuing parking tickets to NHS staff.

FRIDAY

Facebook insists it was right to ban a birdwatcher’s baby owl webcam, saying the footage was definitely turning heads.

SATURDAY

Filming resumes on Mission Impossible: 7, with Tom Cruise embarking on his most dangerous stunt yet: visiting Leicester. Paul Chuckle calls on the Government to clear the way for pantomimes this year, saying he’s got a killer ‘two metre, to you’ gag that he’s desperate to use.