NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

China admits it has been using TikTok to steal British secrets. Thanks to the app, President Xi Jinping now knows all the moves to the Futsal Shuffle, that Kaylee from Dagenham really likes unicorns and that things that don’t look like cakes often turn out to be cakes.

TUESDAY

Britain offers Brussels an olive branch in the increasingly fractious Brexit talks. However, EU negotiators reject it, as the olive branch does not comply with Regulation 2568/91, Annex 7, Sub-section D, governing the diameter of woody sprigs. Meanwhile, Woody Sprigs is named as the new US Ambassador to London.

WEDNESDAY

The Court of Appeal said it had no choice but to let Islamic State bride Shamima Begum back into the UK after her lawyers used the irrefutable defence that she only travelled to Syria to ‘test her eyesight’.

THURSDAY

Following criticism of their response to Covid-19, Boris Johnson repeats demands for the WHO to reform. But Roger Daltrey is having none of it. After being targeted by hackers, smart watch firm Garmin says it’s taking steps to tighten up its cybersecurity. At least 10,000 every day.

FRIDAY

Prince George is again seen in camouflage, prompting mum Kate to ask for her money back.

SATURDAY

Jeff Bezos celebrates making

£10 billion in a single day with the most lavish spending he can imagine: buying a cartridge of branded printer ink. After finding that people with certain British accents have trouble activating their smart speakers, researchers conclude that for Brummies and Glaswegians, ‘Siri’ seems to be the hardest word.