QUOTES of the week

‘My heart stopped ticking so I was up there and the good Lord must have said, “Send the old bag down again, I’m not having her yet.”’ Bond actress Diana Rigg who died last week aged 82, on a near miss in 2017.

‘Remember those days when gender revealing was better known as flashing? All that was needed was a trench coat and wellies.’ Sir Billy Connolly after learning that Californian wildfires were caused by a firework at a ‘gender reveal’ party.

‘This is a disgrace to artists everywhere… can you imagine telling Picasso what had to be in his f ****** paintings?’ Actress Kirstie Alley rages at new woke diversity rules introduced by the Oscars.

‘‘Women are only able to access the club’s services as second-class citizens on the whim of a man who has to both invite and pay for them.’ Emily Bendell, who is taking legal action to join the men-only Garrick Club in London.

‘We went to an Italian and lashed out on a bottle of prosecco.’ Donald Fear reveals how he celebrated his £1million win on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

‘It’s the first excitement we have had in the area since the Great Train Robbery.’ Leighton Buzzard resident Julia Eacott after a 3.3-magnitude earthquake struck the Bedfordshire town, which is just a few miles from the scene of the 1963 raid.

‘Do not risk lives by meeting in situations where you are not spending money.’ Twitter user responds to the latest Government advice.

Shexit. Label given to Shetland council decision to pursue a breakaway from the Scottish Government.

‘The Seven Dwarfs have been advised that as of Monday, they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn’t Happy.’ Joke doing the rounds on social media