NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Boris Johnson explains why parts of Newcastle had to go into lockdown, saying the Rule of Six means there was a clear ban on NE7 people meeting. The Government is forced to reappraise its ‘carrot and stick’ approach to ensure people selfisolate after learning just how much Brits hate vegetables.

TUESDAY

There’s more chaos over coronavirus testing as the centres are now so far away that people have to quarantine for two weeks when they return home. Test and trace chief Baroness Harding is pulled over for cycling in the small hours without lights – but in her defence says absolutely ‘no one could have predicted the sizeable increase in darkness’ at the end of the day. And after Jacob Rees-Mogg told people to stop carping about testing, the Government clarifies that grousing is still fine.

WEDNESDAY

Curators at Oxford’s Pitt Rivers museum who bowed to antiimperialist pressure and removed their display of shrunken skulls insist: ‘We don’t need our heads examining.’ After the Royal Mint revealed that £50billion has mysteriously vanished from circulation, the boss of HS2 says: ‘Hold my beer…’

THURSDAY

The calendar featuring only pictures of multi-storey car parks goes on sale – even though it’s tedious on so many levels.

FRIDAY

Another batch of the world’s most expensive hand-ground coffee goes on sale. Praised by connoisseurs for its delicate blend of light, floral tones, it costs £50 a cup. Or £51 with a shot of Pumpkin Spice syrup.

SATURDAY

After revealing huge success with its quickie divorce business, the Co-op starts offering weddings, too – though walking down the aisle is a lot less romantic when it’s the dog food section. Tickets go on sale for the first drive-in pantomimes, with a choice of Jag And The Beanstalk, Audilocks And The Three Bears, The Little Mercmaid or Porsche in Boots.