NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Donald Trump launches lawsuits in the states where he claimed victory before counting closed, basing his case on the centuries-old legal precedent of: ‘But I bagsied it!’
Officials in Arizona deny that they have been dragging their feet over the count, as they eventually declare their winner: Abraham Lincoln.
But 77-year-old Joe Biden finally enters the White House – then wonders what it was what he came in for.
TUESDAY
The new computer algorithm that can identify people with Covid from the sound of their cough is ruined by hackers.
WEDNESDAY
After being accused of using dodgy documents to secure his bombshell interview with Princess Diana, Martin Bashir is invited to join the Government’s Sage group of scientific advisers.
THURSDAY
Amid fears of a new mutation of coronavirus linked to mink, scientists remind the public of the difference between stoats and minks. Stoats are carnivorous European mammals prized for their coats, while minks is the capital of Belarus.
Marks & Spencer says it didn’t just record any loss, but an exquisite excess of rich expenditure luxuriously drizzled over a base of firm income, seasoned with the finest hand-picked amortisations.
News that horses don’t develop bonds with their owners comes as a shock to many riders, who had been convinced they were in a stable relationship.
FRIDAY
Scientists unravel the mysterious radio signal that’s spent 30,000 years travelling through space – and find it’s an early Tony Blackburn show.
Meanwhile, their colleagues confirm last week’s research which found that earwax can provide clues to mental health, concluding that if you spend your working day studying earwax, you’re probably starved of human companionship.
SATURDAY
Russian MPs vote to give Vladimir Putin lifelong immunity from prosecution, in return for immunity from finding novichok in their tea.
The pensioners who had kept Star Wars figures in bin bags in their damp garage without realising that they were worth £400,000 admit they made a Wookiee error.