NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

The Mail on Sunday takes an irreverent look at stories that might be breaking in the coming days…

MONDAY

Dominic Cummings’s sudden departure from No10 is described as ‘short-sighted’. Only one way to find out – to Barnard Castle!

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson reacts to his former aide’s accusation that he’s indecisive by writing a long newspaper article insisting he isn’t. And another admitting that he is.

TUESDAY

Hopes for a quick introduction of a Covid vaccine are dashed as Pfizer struggles to develop a two-metre needle to administer it safely.

Conspiracy theorists convinced the vaccine is a plot by Bill Gates to inject trackable nanochips into the population say they don’t mind the Microsoft billionaire knowing their every move, it’s the twice weekly software updates that they really can’t stand.

WEDNESDAY

The full report recommending a road tunnel be dug near Stonehenge concludes that if Neolithic man didn’t want his monument disturbed, he shouldn’t have built it so close to the A303.

THURSDAY

In the increasingly fractious Brexit talks, EU negotiators explain what they mean by their ‘level playing field’ demands: Britain must level its playing fields to stack lorries waiting to cross the Channel.

The Duchess of Sussex continues her drive for a life away from the spotlight by appointing yet more high-flying publicists.

FRIDAY

After research found that reality TV shows discriminated against bald men, one pressure group described the news as ‘a real slap in the head’.

And following widespread revulsion at her use of banana skin in a curry, Nigella Lawson comes up with an alternative Indian recipe: Banana peel-au rice.

SATURDAY

The extra bank holiday for the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee in 2022 is celebrated by the 57 people who’ll still be in regular work by then.