NEXT YEAR’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking next year…
JANUARY
Boris Johnson announces a new tier 5, covering all of the UK except the island of Muckle Roe (pop: 104), and requiring all workers to stay home except buddle boys, saggermakers and nob-thatchers. ‘If we all show some Blitz spirit, we’ll be through this by Valentine’s Day,’ he vows.
FEBRUARY
A year after ‘Megxit’, Prince Andrew announces he will also quit the Royal Family, in a decision dubbed ‘Andrex’.
MARCH
Covid restrictions escalate to tier 27, meaning you may meet only one blood relative in an open space on a Thursday while wearing a bonnet. ‘With some British pluck, we’ll be through this by Easter,’ the PM vows.
APRIL
Amid continuing soul-searching over Britain’s colonial past, Mint Imperials are renamed Aromatic Herb Spheres.
MAY
It’s tier 43 of Covid restrictions, requiring hazmat suits for all. ‘With some Waterloo intrepidness, we’ll be through this by midsummer,’ Boris vows.
JUNE
The PM rejects charges of more cronyism after his dog Dilyn is appointed Attorney General. Boris says: ‘When it comes to having a robust knowledge of Britain’s legal intricacies, Dilyn is a very good boy. Oh yes he is.’
JULY
Tier 97 restrictions come in, meaning you can leave the house only to empty your bins. ‘With the same backbone that defeated the Armada, we’ll be through this by autumn,’ the PM vows.
AUGUST
At the delayed Tokyo Olympics, and in honour of social distancing, no British track athlete comes within two metres of the winner.
SEPTEMBER
Under tier 109 of Covid restrictions, you may leave the house only if it is on fire AND the flames are more than two metres high. Boris vows: ‘With good old British derring-do, we’ll be through this by Halloween.’
The BBC causes outrage at the Last Night Of The Proms – by keeping Rule, Britannia intact. ‘They’re destroying tradition,’ complained one Promenader. ‘Complaining about woke TV executives ruining the night is what this great event is all about.’
OCTOBER
Apple unveils its first electric car… with a socket that’s incompatible with every other manufacturer’s.
NOVEMBER
The long-delayed UN Climate Conference finally opens in Glasgow, which is now a tropical beachfront retreat.
DECEMBER
Celebrations as the yoke of Covid restrictions is finally lifted across the UK. And at a Wuhan wet market, an adventurous chef buys a bag of armadillo spleens, thinking they might make a tasty supper for his family.