NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

There’s some good news for the first person to be hit with an £800 fine for attending a lockdownbusting house party, as they find they contracted Covid there and could now get £500 of the money back.

TUESDAY

Cheshire residents who spent the weekend wading through filthy, knee-high floodwater say it’s not a perfect replacement for Glastonbury, but it’s close enough.

Priti Patel advertises for a speechwriter on £63,000 a year. Coincidentally, 63 ‘Gs’ is also the exact tally of letters she dropped during her last address.

WEDNESDAY

After it emerged that Donald Trump was taken in by a secondrate Piers Morgan impersonator, investigators turn their attention to Julia Hartley-Brewer.

And President Biden releases a copy of the ‘generous and gracious’ note his predecessor left for him: ‘Hey Sleepy Joe. You are a smelly, smelly poopy-head who lost bigly – everybody’s saying it.

You know I’m the greatest President in history, probably longer, and you’re a huge, huge loser. Hope you choke on your covfefe.’

THURSDAY

After Northern Ireland’s Agriculture Minister Edwin Poots warned that Brexit is leading to gravy shortages, residents are urged not to hoard any stock.

Following its description of music producer Phil Spector as ‘talented but flawed’, the BBC unveils a new documentary on Harold Shipman, calling him ‘the GP with a novel approach to cutting waiting lists’.

FRIDAY

The EU praises UK border officials for seizing a ton of cocaine hidden in a shipment of bananas bound for Belgium – but say they missed the really heinous crime: that the fruit did not comply with regulation EC

2257/94 on its curvature.

After broadcaster Adrian Chiles revealed that he puts Sellotape over his mouth to help him breathe better at night, Matt Hancock is urged to do the same at all times so EVERYONE can sleep a little easier.