NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

Sir Keir Starmer marks a year as Labour leader, and in a reckless spirit of wild celebration decides to spoil himself with the rare treat of having an opinion* (*opinion will be provisional, subject to approval by parliamentary party, focus group and a legal review).

MONDAY

Amid threats that they could be hit with a litter tax, chewing gum firms say they’ll happily agree to a voluntary code to clear their products from pavements. A spokesman vowed: ‘Give us something concrete, and we’ll stick to it.’

TUESDAY

Volkswagen bosses issue a new apology after their April Fool joke saying they would be renamed Voltswagen in honour of electric cars backfired. An executive insisted: ‘This is a vital area of research for us, and we remain fully committed to making the impossible possible – creating a successful German joke.’

WEDNESDAY

After Deliveroo bosses ended up with much less money than they thought after a disastrous stock market flotation, drivers say: ‘Now you know how we feel.’

THURSDAY

Forest managers double down on their criticism of mushroom foragers damaging the ecology, saying: ‘Have they no morels?’

FRIDAY

The first Hollywood screenplays written by computer are published following software analysis of existing hit scripts. New blockbusters will include Black Hawk Download, Log-ons Run and A Rebootiful Mind.