QUOTES of the week

‘Never in our wildest dreams could we have believed we could beat a superpower like America with just our Kalashnikovs.’ Taliban commander Maulawi Hafiz Mohibullah Muktaz after taking over Bagram air base, once the stronghold of Western forces in Afghanistan.

‘An extraordinary success.’ Joe Biden defends the withdrawal of US forces after 20 years.

‘It takes Stefanos Tsitsipas twice as long to go to the bathroom as it takes Jeff Bezos to fly into space. Interesting.’ Tennis star Andy Murray is furious with his US Open opponent over the length of breaks he took during their first-round clash.

‘A resounding victory for free speech and a resounding defeat for Princess Pinocchio. Do I get my job back?’ Piers Morgan’s reaction after being cleared by broadcast watchdog Ofcom over his comments about the Duchess of Sussex.

‘The high acid and mineral profile cuts through the fattiness and turns something everyday into a special occasion.’ Sommelier Alexandra Price recommends pairing a £100 Grand Cru Chablis with a Big Mac.

‘A poll tax on wheels.’ The AA’s verdict on proposals to charge motorists for every mile they drive in a road-tax shake-up.

‘Don’t waste your time. They’re failed actors who set themselves up as gurus.’ Sir Anthony Hopkins advises aspiring stars to avoid acting schools.

‘That video alone is grounds for divorce.’ Sarah Vine’s mother sends her a WhatsApp message after our columnist’s soon-to-be ex-husband Michael Gove is filmed dancing manically at an Aberdeen club.

‘It’s rather like being a student again. With none of the sex.’ Dame Joan Bakewell on switching between ‘venting her spleen’ on Brexit debates in the House of Lords to worrying about downsizing at the age of 86.