QUOTES of the week

‘We’ll always heap obloquy on men who wear bad brown shoes – even Prince Harry, about whom it is now otherwise forbidden to be snobbish. He is, after all, living his truth.’

Society bible Tatler updates its guide to what we can and cannot

be snobbish about. ‘It was our mother’s funeral yesterday, Gina.’ Boris Johnson’s sister Rachel Johnson issues a sharp riposte to anti-Brexit campaigner Gina Miller after she questioned the whereabouts of the Prime Minister during the fuel crisis. ‘Well done, son, but we’ve got more important things now.’ Liverpool manager Bill Shankly (a Scot, of course) brings striker Roger Hunt back down to Earth after he returned to the club following England’s 1966 World Cup success. Hunt died last week aged 83. ‘I’m not a transphobe. I never have been and never will be. I simply want to use the word women.’ Labour MP Rosie Duffield hits back in a row over trans rights. She said earlier that ‘only women have a cervix’.

‘There are plenty of parts if you are willing to make yourself look lousy.’

Dame Eileen Atkins criticises ‘vain’ older actresses who complain about a lack of roles. ‘Beer shortage soon. Please panic buy.’

Jokey sign outside a pub in the town of Kirkcudbright. ‘My father was a toolmaker. In a way, so was Boris Johnson’s.’ Sir Keir Starmer’s risque joke at the Labour Party conference. ‘I took drugs. I should not be driving. I admit it all.’

Model Katie Price to police officers after crashing her BMW at 6.20am on a country lane. ‘I’m sure pay for HGV drivers has improved but ultimately I’ve decided to carry on at my investment bank.’

A 41-year-old banker, one of thousands of Germans asked by the Government to become lorry drivers because their licences allow them to drive trucks.