NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

As sanctions start to bite, Blues supporters wonder what they’ll do without the huge influx of Russian money that has kept them afloat for so long. And Chelsea fans are almost as worried as the Conservatives.

Isolated from the rest of the world, with no Western goods on the shelves and a worthless currency, Vladimir Putin says his dream of returning Russia to the ‘glory days’ of the Soviet empire is off to a cracking start.

Meanwhile, Putin’s fake news machine continues to blame Kyiv for the war, complaining that Ukraine is constantly destroying Russian missiles with its maternity hospitals.

TUESDAY

Priti Patel makes good on her promise to speed up the visa process for fleeing Ukrainians. Now the Home Office immediately bins the forms without all the time-wasting faff of pretending to process them.

WEDNESDAY

Amid fears that rising Covid cases may ultimately lead to new travel restrictions, Britons hurry to book their getaways to expensive destinations. Like petrol stations.

THURSDAY

Following the news that ants can detect cancer, it’s revealed that eating the insects also has health benefits. After all, it’s always good to be full of anty bodies.

FRIDAY

As the remains of a prehistoric squid that has been named after Joe Biden go on display at a Canadian museum, curators explain that the ancient fossil with no backbone… is the President of the United States. Confusion greets the new research that found that women do 70 minutes more housework a day than men. ‘What’s this word “woman”?’ asks every Labour frontbencher.

SATURDAY

Following the report that listening to music makes wine taste better, experts suggest that Beethoven goes best with retsina-na-naaaaa.