NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at just some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Boris Johnson continues to rail against those who work from home as ineffective, lazy and easily distracted – in an interview from his Downing Street home and workplace.

Ministers insist they have to take radical measures to address the major international crisis causing anguish and resentment across the Irish Sea: Ireland not getting into the Eurovision final again.

TUESDAY

Scientists who concluded that it might be possible to come back from the dead get a call from an anonymous North London number, asking if they could see any way of coming back from Beergate.

MPs react with dismay to news that vital repairs to Parliament could take 76 years – since the completion date will now clash with the day Sue Gray releases her report into Partygate.

WEDNESDAY

Questions are raised about the first picture of the black hole at the centre of the Milky Way. Sceptics suggest the destructive, dense object with an eerie orange glow that believes the galaxy revolves around it might just be Donald Trump.

Network Rail’s plans to replace crumbling stations with ‘flatpack’ buildings fail when someone loses the allen key.

THURSDAY

The first hyper-local referendum on planning permissions ends with No 56 dramatically exiting the rest of Acacia Avenue, proclaiming that it’s taking back control of its privet hedge.

As North Korea admits its first Covid case, Kim Jong Un slaps a draconian lockdown on citizens’ freedoms – and to be on the safe side, backdated them to 1953.

FRIDAY

After the news that Newcastle United’s next away strip will be in the state colours of its new Saudi owners, its women’s kit is revealed: full niqabs.

As the cost-of-living crisis continues to bite, the official Platinum Jubilee Pudding is replaced with a Aldi own-brand plain yogurt with a yellow ‘reduced to clear’ sticker as it’s just about to go off.

SATURDAY

The York axe-throwing centre applying for an alcohol licence insist there’s no possibility it will lead to anyone being half-cut.

Fans bid farewell to the iPod as it makes its final shuffle… off this mortal coil.