• Expressing grief New approaches to death

LOSING A LOVED ONE IS NEVER EASY, BUT NEW WAYS TO DEAL WITH DEATH CAN HELP US FIND COMFORT AFTER BEREAVEMENT

There is a time of our life when we seem to go to endless weddings, followed by never-ending children’s birthday parties. But few of us are prepared for the ‘funerals and memorial services’ stage that seems to come all too soon after. Being aware that family members are getting old doesn’t make their dying any less shocking or painful, even with a ‘respectable innings’. And when we lose someone closer to our own age, it can be deeply unsettling, making us very aware of our own mortality.

We now know that there’s more to grief than feeling sad, and we can also have other responses, such as denial and anger, and rather than passing through a set order of stages that ends in acceptance, we cycle back and forth between feeling traumatised, and feeling hopeful. Talking plays a crucial part in adjusting to life after bereavement – in the same way that we often re-tell birth stories, bereaved people often need to tell their story repeatedly. “That is an important part of transferring the experience they endured into a memory, instead of reliving it like a parallel reality every time they think about it,” says Kathryn Mannix, a palliative care specialist, and author of With the End

In Mind (William Collins). “We let each other tell our labour stories, but we close down the bereavement stories. If we listened more and allowed people to tell their stories, we would have less complicated grief.”

Finding a place to tell that story isn’t always easy. Annie Broadbent, who wrote Speaking of Death: What

the Bereaved Really Need (Piatkus), after her mother died, was shocked at how many people never brought it up. “I found it astonishing the number of people that just ignored the catastrophe that had recently occurred in my life,” she says. “When I’ve asked people, since, why they didn’t mention it, they’ve mostly said something along the lines of, ‘ Well, I didn’t want to bring it up’, as though I might have forgotten that my mum had died. I wanted the facts of my life at that moment to be recognised.”

For some, that space to be recognised is at a Death Cafe – pop-up events around the UK, the USA and Australia, where people meet to discuss death (their own or someone else’s) over coffee and cake (deathcafe.com). “It’s not a therapy session and there is no set structure – the only rule is that you talk from your personal experience. Some people have said that talking about death over a slice of cake trivialises it, but most people find it easier to talk about death while doing something life affirming, like eating,” says Dr Susan Hennessey, a clinical psychologist who helps run a Death Cafe at St Joseph’s Hospice in Hackney. “There is a lot of black humour and people say they skip out, feeling lighter. It also seems to have a ripple effect – people can leave feeling braver about having a difficult conversation or being more open with friends and family.”

DOING AWAY WITH DENIAL

The first Death Cafe was started by Jon Underwood in Hackney in 2011 – inspired by Café Mortels, which was set up by Bernard Crettaz in Switzerland – as an informal space for people to gather and discuss their own mortality. There are now around 5,000 Death Cafes worldwide. Hennessey sees their rapid growth as a sign of an increasing willingness to talk about death. “Even 10 years ago, it would have been hard to imagine that three million people would watch a YouTube video about death such as BJ Miller’s Ted Talk, ‘ What Really Happens at the End of Life’, or that a book like Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal (Profile Books) would top the bestseller lists, but we seem to be embracing death as a way of appreciating life,” she says. One of 2018’s most talked-about new books, The

Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning by Margareta Magnusson (Canongate Books), advocates dostadning, sorting out the elderly’s possessions before they die, as a shared, meaningful ritual, rather than a painful task after they’ve gone. “Generally people have too many things in their homes. I think it’s a good thing to get rid of things you don’t need. One day, when you’re not around any more, your family would have to take care of all that stuff, and I don’t think that’s fair,” she says. »

“There’s an increasing willingness to talk about death… We seem to be embracing death as a way of appreciating life”

“You don’t have to pay lots of money so that strangers dressed in black can arrange a ceremony for you”

How your loved one spends their last days can also affect how you grieve. Although 63% of people say they want to die at home, only 20% do, with most of us dying in hospitals, hospices or care homes. “Caring for someone you love in their final days can be one of the most enriching experiences of life, as can caring for their body after death, and saying goodbye to them at home,” says soul midwife Claire Turnham (onlywithlove.co.uk). “It’s still painful, but the acceptance is different, and people seem to be better able to embrace and absorb their pain.” Mirroring the trend for natural birth, there is growing interest in non-medicalised death, and an increasing number of soul midwives and end-of-life doulas, trained to help ease the transition from life to death, and care for loved ones who want to spend their last days at home.

CARE AFTER DEATH

And if you’ve cared for your loved one at home, it makes sense to carry on that care after their death, through to the funeral, says Turnham. “There is no legal requirement to use a corporate-style funeral service, and have your loved one’s body taken away by strangers who refer to them as ‘the deceased’ and store the body in a multi-storey fridge,” she says. After her own experience of caring for her father at home before and after his death, Turnham now runs workshops internationally teaching people to care for a body after death, and the legalities of arranging a home funeral.

“You can buy coffins directly, choose whether or not you want a celebrant to lead the proceedings, book a direct cremation with no ceremony, or a burial at a natural burial ground, and transport a body in any vehicle. I drove one body in my estate car, and the person’s son said it was immensely comforting to sit with his arm around the coffin on the way there,” she says.

As well as personalising the experience, DIY funerals are also cost effective, says Barbara Chalmers of finalfling.com, a guide to end-of-life decisions. “We want to honour our dead and give our loved one a good send-off, but you can do that by inviting everyone round for a pie and a pint to tell stories about your loved one. You don’t have to pay lots of money so that strangers dressed in black can arrange a ceremony for you.”

Around three-quarters of deaths in the UK are expected, following a time of illness. Yet few of us talk to our loved ones about how they want their final days to be, where they want to die, and what kind of funeral they want. It isn’t easy, but knowing that death is imminent can be a gift, a chance to have meaningful conversations with our loved one, says Kathryn Mannix. “We can be frightened of making people upset, but if we don’t take the risk of upsetting someone or upsetting ourselves, we miss out on connecting in a deeper way. These can be beautiful conversations – they are about love, and loss and reminiscence,” she says. “If you are grieving, and you never said, ‘I love you’, that is so much worse than if you are grieving and you are remembering a very tearful conversation in which all the very important things were said. Life is precious, and is perhaps best appreciated when we live with the end in mind.” For support and information, see Dying Matters (dyingmatters.org), a coalition that aims to help people talk more openly about dying, death and bereavement, and to make plans for the end of life. To find or train as a soul midwife, see soulmidwives.co.uk. To book an end-of-life doula, see Living Well, Dying Well ( lwdwtraining.uk).