The philanthropist

An unwanted Christmas tradition for Becca Bland is feeling isolated. Finding she wasn’t alone, she set up a charity to support others estranged from family From kids tearing open gifts in front of adoring parents to generations gathered around a traditional festive lunch, it can feel like Christmas ‘done properly’ belongs to families. But what if you don’t fit the mould: you’re estranged from yours? “It can be very easy – as it was for me – to lie about it,” says Becca Bland, who became estranged from her family when she was in her 20s, following a rift around Christmas time. “The media portrays an impression that everyone has, or should want, a strong, functioning and emotionally close family. When you butt up against that, you can feel very abnormal and isolated.”

Some five million UK adults have decided to cut contact with at least one family member, research suggests. Becca knows first-hand that sometimes it’s right for people to walk away. But making that decision doesn’t come easy. And what’s difficult all year round is magnified by images of gleaming, idealised festive celebrations in advertising and on social media. “The feeling is ‘how do I fit my family into this idealised picture?’” notes Becca, who once told an ex-boyfriend that her family lived in Australia to avoid telling him the truth.

“When will society let me embrace the fact that Christmas isn’t a happy time for me because I don’t have those relationships? That I don’t appreciate necessarily being told that I should be reconciling, ‘because it’s Christmas’?”

Now 36, Becca has found ways to cope, and helps many others to do the same. In 2012, she set up the charity Stand Alone, to support adults who are estranged from their family or from a key family member. The charity runs support groups and training and generates research about family estrangement and its effects. From policy to the press, it works to raise awareness about people who are living without the support of a family network.

Becca no longer feels the need to hide her situation when December rolls around. “I’m much happier at Christmas now, because I’m more honest,” she says. “In around August, I make a plan – which is often about getting out of the country – and stick to it. My partner is a non-practising Muslim so doesn’t celebrate Christmas, and it’s nice to get away and leave all that festive pressure behind.”

She acknowledges, however, that she is lucky to have the resources to do so. “I know that a lot of estranged adults often feel stuck at Christmas: transport stops, everything shuts down and the connection to local community can be really tenuous at that time, which can lead to dips in mental health and wellbeing.”

Stand Alone offers an online guide to common festive frustrations, followed by suggestions of how to overcome them. For example, if idyllic festive images and adverts spark difficult emotions, speak to a support group, therapist or counsellor. Another section contains tips on fielding questions about your Christmas plans. “If deflecting curiosity doesn’t work, a short, frank and honest approach can halt seasonal probing,” it reads.

Friends are vitally important to Becca – “they become your family” – and she has also focused on building a really strong relationship with herself. “Trusting others is very important but believing and investing in yourself is, too,” says Becca. “It’s really difficult to be in relationship with other people if you don’t accept yourself, give yourself the chance to heal.”

And though the pain of her estrangement won’t go away, things will be a little different this year: she got married in October and will be spending Christmas with her new husband on a far-flung shore.

“I mainly associate Christmas with pain and arguments, so avoidance is the best way for me. It will be lovely to be together, with no pressure, eating what we want and taking that time – because life is busy – to really take a breath.” standalone.org.uk

“A difficult situation can be magnified by images of gleaming, idealised festive celebrations”