AN IMPERFECT CHRISTMAS
WITH SO MUCH GOING ON, TIS THE SEASON OF INEVITABLE MISHAPS AND SHORTFALLS. AND THE ROUTE TO HAPPINESS COULD WELL LIE IN EMBRACING THEM
Christmas is the time of year when even the most laid-back among us can morph into secret perfectionists. A potent mix of nostalgia, family expectations and marketing hype convinces us we must achieve the impossible on 25 December, and make everyone happy.
CHRISTMAS TRIGGERS
Our childhood memories of Christmas are infused with emotions that elevate Christmas to ‘special event of the year’ above all else, says clinical psychologist Linda Blair ( lindablair.co.uk). “When we’re in charge of Christmas, it’s natural to want to make it just as special as we remember it. But we’re trying to recreate something that didn’t exist. Our memories are edited highlights – it was never perfect, we just remember it that way,” she says.
Rachel Shattock Dawson (therapyonthames.co.uk) says: “Even in loving families, old emotions resurface. Along with happy memories, it can bring back past hurts and disappointments. Your mum might talk about how stressful Christmases were with her ex-husband, but if she’s talking about your dad, you may have different memories, and resent the pressure to acquiesce to her version of events.”
THE SANDWICH GENERATION
Objectively, it can seem like no big deal – after all, it’s only a couple of days a year. But when you’re the ‘filling’ of the sandwich generation, it can feel like the responsibility to make Christmas perfect falls at your feet. Taking over responsibility from the older generation can be a time of transition. “It can be hard to see traditions disregarded – you think you’re doing your mother-in-law a favour by suggesting buying a Christmas pudding, but she may interpret it as a dismissal of all the effort she put in over the years to make it from scratch,” says Shattock Dawson.
Where to spend Christmas can often be a challenge. Children may have strong feelings about waking up in their own home on Christmas Day, while at the same time, the older generation can exert pressure for everyone to come to them. When parents are divorced, it gets even more complicated. “We try to create the perfect day that makes everyone happy, but why not accept you can’t do that, but mix up what you do each year instead?” says Blair.
EMBRACING CHANGE
As Christmas is a natural milestone marker, it can throw a spotlight on incremental changes. Suddenly, it becomes clear older relatives are less active or more dependent on you. “If you’re picking them up and dropping them home, cooking for them and keeping them entertained, it can feel like you’re parenting them,” says Shattock Dawson. “And if you’re parenting your own children, too, you can feel very squeezed.”
The difficulty is that Christmas is infused with ritual, and both children and adults feel a pull towards doing things the same way every year. But, as relationships expert Sarah Abell (nakedhedgehogs. com) points out, we can falsely assume that people aren’t open to change. “If you ask family members what they want and openly discuss different options, you might be surprised.” You might find that your children would happily spend Christmas away. “A change of venue takes away the environmental cues
“Perfect might make a great Insta post but we’re more likely to remember the year the oven broke and we had pizza”
that can trigger memories and stir up feelings,” says Shattock Dawson. “Having Christmas somewhere more neutral that doesn’t come with memories instantly changes the dynamic.”
It might mean shifting the emphasis away from one ‘special day’ and planning a series of smaller events instead, says Blair. “It’s often just not possible to get everyone together on one day, and not everyone wants to do the same thing, and that’s fine. Our extended family has a series of get-togethers throughout December, like meeting for lunch, or going for a walk.”
RESISTING PERFECTION
When you’re hosting Christmas, you can find yourself pulled into the role that was modelled by your mother or mother-in-law, which might mean having 20 for Christmas dinner and doing seven different types of veg. But our generation not only works longer hours, we have also created new expectations to pile on the pressure, like buying gifts for everyone from teachers to next-door neighbours; decorating the tree and house and wrapping presents all to Instagram-worthy standards. And no matter what else has changed in terms of equality, the bulk of the work and preparation still falls to women. It’s no wonder that surveys show one in four women associates Christmas with stress.
LIGHTEN UP
It’s worth remembering that, at its heart, Christmas is about playfulness. We might tastefully colour-theme our decorations, but there’s a reason that one of the new traditions to catch our imaginations has been the office Christmas jumper day (see page 16). “Perfect might make a great Insta post, but in real life, we’re more likely to remember and enjoy talking about the year the oven broke and we had pizza for Christmas dinner than the year when everything went perfectly,” says Blair. “What isn’t fun for anyone is being around an exhausted and frazzled host.”
Too many of us buy into the myth that the perfect Christmas will bring us happiness, peace and harmony, says Abell. “The opposite is true. If we become obsessed with striving for perfection, the result is more likely to be over-spending, stress, arguments, disappointment and a lot of unnecessary waste.”
And it’s never too late to transform your relationship with your family into one that’s more rewarding for all, believes Abell. “Any relationship can be improved with a bit of effort,” she says. “A family is like a dance – you all have roles, and it’s easy for you to step into your old one. But if you change your steps, even in a small and subtle way, it can create a ripple effect that puts the others slightly out of step, so they have to act in a different way to normal.”