How dare they put in laminate!

WORD reached me that our first family home – the place our babies were brought back to from the maternity hospital, where they played in the garden with the dog, posted letters to Santa up the chimney and had their personalities disordered by their parents – was up for sale again.

Now, they say “you can never go home again” – it’s not a good idea to revisit places from your past as they will only disappoint you.

But I’ve never been one for letting common sense overcome nosiness, so I went on to the estate agent’s website and had a look.

And it’s true, it’s not a good idea. What a shock.

I didn’t mind that they’d knocked two rooms into one or that they’d ripped up the concrete patio we laid at considerable expense and replaced it with wooden decking.

I didn’t even mind that they’d completely redone the bathroom when I’d given it a perfectly good makeover with nice tile-effect wallpaper in 1999.

No, what was so horrifically appalling was that there wasn’t a carpet in the place.

There have been many acts of evil and stupidity committed in the decades since we bought that

It gives a home all the welcoming character of a gym hall

house, but surely the evilest and stupidest must be the invention and adoption of laminate flooring.

Cold, noisy, hard and soulless, it gives a home all the welcoming character of a gym hall. The ultimate triumph of style over sanity.

How more infants and grannies have not been killed or maimed by their fragile bits meeting the unyielding floor I don’t know. Probably a cover-up by the laminate mafia.

I’m told you can only put rugs on it if they’re rubber-backed so they don’t skite across the room. And if you spill liquid, it’s like Dancing On Ice. If you’ve a pet, it’ll be like dancing on something much more unpleasant.

Then there’s the neighbours. Someone wearing shoes sounds like the Scots Guards rehearsing for Trooping the Colour.

Imagine being next door or downstairs from that. No jury would ever convict you.

Still. I suppose the people who sold us our current house might not approve of our changes.

Although I don’t see why. We, unlike everyone else in the world, have perfect taste.