The forecast is for lots of weather

AND now, the weather . . .

There will be a widespread chance of showers – some of them wintry – anywhere across the UK at any time of year because this is Britain and not California, so please try to remember this when you’re wondering if you should wear your flip-flops to the shops.

Winds will be light to stormforce for no particular rhyme or reason, although the fact that we are an island and nowhere is more than 60 miles from the sea – the big blue wet thing that people have travelled on for thousands of years mostly by using its copious amounts of wind – might have something to do with it.

Edinburgh, sitting on the edge of the sea, is a veritable wind tunnel. However, in Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen – an unexpected point of agreement between the stars of My Fair Lady and Michael Fish.

Cloud will be variable – some white, some grey, some black. Some will be small and high up allowing occasional outbreaks of sun and contributing to a mild feeling of wellbeing.

Others will be sitting on your head like a damp hat, bringing all

Drought and floods might occur anywhere at any time

the psychological benefits you would expect from such a piece of headgear. If there are no clouds in the sky you are either having a dream or living in California.

Snow will lie deep and crisp and even across all parts of the British imagination from roughly the end of November till December 26. Any actual snow which falls during that time will be welcomed as a sign that we have rediscovered our lost childhoods, that dreams can come true and the world be remade anew. This will be accompanied by heavy falls of Dickens.

Any snow falling outwith that period will be viewed as a freakish disaster, a portent of the end of the world and a damned nuisance that the transport minister should have foreseen.

Drought and floods might occur anywhere at any time. This is said to be a result of global warming but many folk believe it is a judgement on the moral condition of the people in the local area.

If this is indeed the case, locusts and boils, along with a persistent light drizzle, should become the norm.

Back to you, Huw.