I’m so sorry but I’m not your mate!

THERE are many evils facing us in the modern world. Terrorism, political lunacy, obesity, starvation, corruption, Jeremy Kyle.

But more than any of these, the one that carries the greatest threat to our civilisation is a simple, single word. “Mate”. This used to be a harmless little word. A bit downmarket, but inoffensive and often comical.

It was the name of a Peter Sellers characters in the Goons.

It was a cheerful word used by NCOs, tradesmen and assorted mongers when addressing each other, often preceded by “me old”, particularly when uttered by the likes of Stanley Holloway in Ealing comedies.

Yet it would never have appeared in polite society. Until now.

I was in Waterstones – and you don’t get much more polite than that – handing over my purchases. The spotty youth behind the counter greeted me with the words: “Yawright, mate?”

Here was a dilemma. Should I call for the manager and demand the young lout be dismissed for failing to address me as “Sir”?

The greatest threat to our civilisation is a simple, single word

Of course not – I’ve seen An Inspector Calls and know that such high-handedness only leads to alcoholism and death, and even spotty youths don’t deserve that. Not immediately.

So should I take the lad aside in an avuncular manner and suggest he really shouldn’t address customers that way if he wants to get on and, while he’s at it, he could tuck his shirt in and try shaving before he comes to work?

Or should I just be very British, say nothing but never go back to the shop again?

In the end I do none of those things, but opt for the most cowardly option – writing a column about it from the safety of my own home.

Not that your own home is safe any more, what with delivery men banging on the door at all hours and being insistently matey, not to mention stubbly.

If something isn’t done soon we’ll end up like the last days of the Roman Empire, Goths and Visigoths mating everywhere.

Would Theresa May be interested in banning the word, I wonder? She is known across Europe as Molly No Mates ...