No, I don’t come fae ‘Glasgae’

THERE now follows a public information column, issued by the Ministry of Irritated Glaswegians.

I have lived in and around Glasgow all my life (yes, that does show a certain lack of ambition and imagination but at least it shows consistency, not to mention stamina). And I have one question to ask.

Why do some people insist that I live in “Glasgae”?

I have been keeping an ear cocked for the past half-century and I have never heard any citizen of this fine midden use that word to describe the place.

For reasons best known to themselves it is what outsiders have decided that we call Glasgow in our quaint local dialect. But it isnae.

Most people in Glasgow actually call it just that – Glasgow. If you listen to a recording of the city’s anthem, you will hear Will Fyffe declare that, “I belong to Glasgow”.

(As it happens he also calls it “dear old Glasgow town” – not “toon” – thus proving to the world that, even when lying drunk in the gutter, your Glaswegian can still speak proper.)

It’s another reason why we should rise up and go for Glexit

Anyway, the fact is that anyone who does choose to speak in the native patois will talk about Glesga or, if they’re real hardcore Glaswegian, Glesca.

In my book (which, as you might imagine, is very large and uses a lot of red ink) anyone who says “Glasgae” is either trying to ingratiate themselves or take the mickey and either way fails miserably because they’ve obviously never actually listened to anyone from Glasgow and are therefore showing themselves to be utterly ignorant.

I can’t think of any other city on which this kind of oppression has been inflicted (see how proper I’m talking?). I’ve never told a Londoner that he actually lives in Londing, for example.

So it proves, if proof were needed, the complete uniqueness of Glasgow. It is yet another reason why we should rise up and go for Glexit – take back control and get our patois back.

Some might say that would make us look a bit glaikit (not very bright). But the people have spoken!

What a shame nobody’s quite sure what they said.