To avoid a stooshie,let’s get quizzical
I LIKE a good argument as much as – possibly much more than – the next man. But there is a limit.
Even if, like me, you find small talk as enticing as sandpaper-lined trousers, it can become even more wearing if every time you open your mouth you find yourself at daggers drawn with whoever you’re trying to pass the time with.
Sadly, this possibility has become a probability in the strange, unnerving times through which we are so merrily passing.
It’s bad enough that people are prepared to take offence at the drop of a hat (especially the Society for the Preservation of Hats). But everyone has taken up rigid positions on divisive questions of the day, of which there are more around than is healthy, if you ask me.
That’s fine if you’re on Question Time, where seeing the other person’s point of view is a sackable offence. But at social gatherings it can put a dampener on things, ending potential new friendships before they get off the ground or, in the less refined maelstroms of the social whirl, getting you a sore face.
So I’ve decided that before entering into conversation with anyone, I will hand them a
Are fajitas just a way of getting out of washing plates?
questionnaire to fill in so we know which subjects are best avoided if a pleasant time is to be had.
It will include such questions as: How did you vote in the EU and Scottish referendums?
(The answers to these often makes asking the rest of the questions pointless, in which case you are immediately free – nay, advised – to go and find somebody else to talk to.)
Are cyclists planet-saving heroes or self-righteous pains in the bum?
Is it a coincidence that everyone who says humans aren’t contributing to global warming has shares in oil companies?
Should Donald Trump be invited to tea with the Queen or made to sit on a sharp pole?
Is the internet the future of the world or the end of it?
Are fajitas just a way of getting out of washing plates?
Everyone will have their own ideas for questions, so if we all gave each other questionnaires we could fill a whole evening without ever having to talk to anyone then sell the results to a market research company, thus paying for the do.
I think I’ve just invented the cheese and wine referendum.