Time waits for no man... except me

ALBERT EINSTEIN was a German clever-clogs who came up with an equation proving that getting a decent haircut was relatively less important than finding out how the universe works.

Thanks to this, we now know that everything is relative.

That’s why, last week, when an asteroid the size of the Rock of Gibraltar whizzed past us at a distance of just over a million miles, the event was described as “a near-miss”.

Relative to the size of the universe, it probably was. But relative to the chances of it knocking my hat off as I stepped outside to collect the green recycling bin, it probably wasn’t.

So on the whole I was relatively laid-back about the whole affair. When everything is relative, the view you take depends on where you are standing.

Last summer I found a young man standing at my door. He wanted to let me know that he and his colleagues were in the area retiling a roof and that they’d be happy to perform the same service for me while they were at it.

I thanked him and, rather than set the dogs on him, I suggested

For a young man in a hurry to make money, the future is next week

that while I wouldn’t take him up on his offer immediately, I might, if he left me his card and didn’t walk on the grass as he left, get back to him.

Would that be in the near future, he inquired. Oh yes, I smiled. Possibly in the next year or two. His jaw dropped. How is that the near future, he asked.

Obviously for a young man in a hurry to make money the near future is next week. But for an older man for whom next week is but the bat of an eye and who works on five-year plans, it could be any time between now and the death of the sun.

Governments are also supposed to be five-year plans. But hey – having to vote at least once a year every year since 2014 is surely a relatively small price to pay for living in a peaceful, democratic society. A good use of your time, relative to watching The One Show.

Although when you’re asked to vote on the same questions every time it can feel that time is standing still, relative to your desire to get on with your flaming life.

I might get a haircut instead.