What do I say to an old colleague whose ‘funeral’ I attended, after discovering he’s alive and well?

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries

Dear Maggie

I responded to a death notice in the local paper and sent “the widow” a condolence card, arranged for a floral tribute and attended the funeral.

Unfortunately the person who died was NOT who I knew, despite the same surname, Christian name, age, wife’s name and two daughters of the same names as the “non-deceased” had.

The error has only just come to light on seeing a former work colleague. I commented about “the death”, because there weren’t many at the funeral, and none that I knew.

I hadn’t even realised the widow and the two daughters were not the “non-deceased” family.

Could you suggest how to resolve this error – although I’m hoping other “condolence cards” were received – as I dread meeting the “nondeceased” in the near future (as could well happen)?

Maggie says

The odds are really high that other people have made the same error, with so many details of the identity of these two people being remarkably similar.

You’ve asked me how you can resolve this error – but you have nothing to feel bad about.

It was a genuine mistake, you did what you thought was right at the time, with all best intentions.

You should not feel bad for trying to offer comfort to others.

If you do meet your former colleague in the near future, wait to see if he raises the matter and if he doesn’t, you can decide at that time whether to mention what happened or to say nothing about it at all.

The most important thing is that you accept what’s happened and try not to worry about it.

No one has been hurt and perhaps in time you will look back at this differently.