Maggie Listens to your concerns

My husband has photos of his first wife around our home. Do I tell him it’s time to move on?

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries

Dear Maggie My new husband’s first wife died 18 months ago.

It sounds like he rushed into a new relationship, but she’d been in residential care a long time before she died.

I’d just come out of a long-term relationship and although neither of us expected to get involved quite so quickly, now that it has happened, I’m very happy – and I think he is too.

We’ve decided to live together and he has said I must think of his house as my home, but there are photographs and pictures of his first wife all over the place.

Of course I don’t expect him to forget about her, but what’s even more difficult is that there are still some of her clothes in the cupboards and her jewellery in the main bedroom. It doesn’t seem to bother him but I find it hard.

The last thing I want to do is spoil our happiness, so should I tell him how I feel or just put up with things as they are? Maggis says

It may just be that your new husband, like many men, doesn’t particularly notice his surroundings and, as long as he has his familiar things around him, details don’t matter.

He is so accustomed to the photographs on the wall, the clothes and jewellery in the bedroom that the details don’t Dear Maggie

My partner and I have been together for more than 20 years but our relationship is on the rocks because he has started to worry that our son may not be his child.

There is a small chance he is right, as I was with someone else when we met. I ended that relationship to be with him.

Our son doesn’t know there is even a chance his dad isn’t his dad and I dread to think how this would affect him. My partner says he wants a paternity test, but what on earth will happen if it turns out he is not the father? Maggie says

Clearly it would be better if a paternity test did register. Or perhaps he finds clearing out his wife’s possessions something difficult to do and, like so many men faced with a problem, they simply choose to ignore it.

I think you need to talk about this some evening when you are both comfortable and relaxed.

If you are going to make his house your new home, you have a right to have your own things around you.

Why not suggest that he goes through wardrobes and cupboards with you and has a bit of a clear out to make space?

Offer to bag up some of his wife’s clothes to take to a charity shop. He may find that hard to do and will be relieved if you do it for him.

Suggest it might be a good idea to give some of the photographs of his wife to members of her family, perhaps some of her jewellery too.

Suggest he keeps some of her photographs on display because of course she was a part of his life for a long time, but maybe now it’s time to have a few photographs of you and him taken together on an outing or on holiday?

Life moves on. You’re not expecting him to forget his past – but the future belongs to both of you and I hope he understands and respects that. not have to take place. This is stressful for you and could be very difficult for your son to deal with if he discovers the man he has thought of all his life as his father, is not.

That said, if your partner has his doubts I don’t see how you can prevent him in his search to find out the truth.

The more you resist, the more certain he will be that you have something to hide.

After 20 years together, there needs to be an openness and honesty between you both before this big step is taken which could have such a powerful effect upon your son.