Guilt at not being there as drug addict son died

Dear June

My oldest son, Sebastian, was 34 when he died of an overdose.

He made so many wrong choices in his life and, no matter how much I tried to support him, he always returned to drugs.

I eventually had to throw him out as he was stealing from me to support his habit.

We don’t know if his death was accidental or not.

I feel very guilty for not being there as he died alone. Please tell him I am sorry. Carmen, Edinburgh

June Says

As I read your letter I saw the number 4 being written and sense it was regarding a family unit. Were there four people in your family? Did you have four children?

I feel the presence of a young male drawing forward who I sense to be your son. He would have been extremely stubborn and a bit of a loner. I sense he wasn’t comfortable with social gatherings, especially if there were people present he did not know well.

He was a sensitive young man and, if pushed outside his comfort zone, could be volatile and moody.

This would have made supporting him difficult as I sense he would just withdraw from everyone in order to spend some time by himself.

I get the impression he lived alone and, in my mind’s eye, I can see an older building (a tenement) which looks quite dark, not a lot of light at all.

It was in this building he passed away.

I get a strong sense that when he passed he had not expected to find himself in spirit and I sense an initial shock when he realised he was there and recognised a few people who have previously passed.

He was met by an older lady with black hair.

She is a very proud lady who is looking after him.

No one passes alone. There is always someone from spirit side, patiently waiting to accompany them over. Therefore, I feel his death was accidental.

He accepts responsibility for his passing due to the choices he made.

You do not need to apologise or feel guilty. You tried your best to support him.

He knows this and knows how much you love him.

VERDICT

Sebastian was the eldest of my four sons.

He was sensitive and very stubborn. He could, at times, be volatile and unbearably moody and would take himself away from people.

He passed away in his tenement flat and it can be quite dark there in the close at times.

The dark-haired lady is my mum, who loved him dearly. I prayed she would be looking after him. She was 82 when she died but always dyed her hair black.

It has eased my mind to think of his death as accidental and that he knows how much I love him.