I think I’m entitled to let my hair down after years at the coalface. But try telling that to my wife...

Dear Maggie

Six months ago, I retired from my job after working for 45 years. I was looking forward to spending more time with my wife, having the freedom to go off and do all the things we talked about doing over the years, but never quite had the time or money to do so.

Raising three children and paying a mortgage meant I took all the overtime available and regularly worked weekends.

I thought my wife would enjoy spending more time together, too, but she is caught up in babysitting our grandchildren and always has a reason why we can’t just drive to the coast, or go out for lunch.

If I complain about it she gets quite agitated and it ends up in a row.

This is not how I expected our retirement to be. Is there any way I can change things?

Maggie says

You need to sit down quietly together, explain how you feel and listen to her reasons why she feels the way she does. It’s not uncommon after retirement for people to realise that their plans don’t always match those of their partner.

During your working life you were doing your best to earn the money to give your family what they needed and wanted.

Your wife saw it as her duty to be there for the children and so it is difficult for her now to change those habits. She is helping them by babysitting and would feel a bit guilty if she said she wasn’t available. So both of you have to talk it through and both of you need to compromise just a little bit.

Hopefully your family will understand that it’s only natural that you both should have the time and freedom to enjoy your retirement.

It is possible to be there for your grandchildren some days, while also making time and space to enjoy outings with your wife. It just takes honest conversation and some planning.

Many couples today are facing exactly the same situation. They want the freedom to enjoy their time together but they feel an obligation to help their family by childminding.

So be open and honest about what you want, but be flexible, too. Compromise isn’t always easy – but it works.