Feeling torn in two between my husband and grandchildren
Dear Maggie
My husband retired this year from his job as an electrical engineer. His job was very demanding because he worked shifts and did extra hours of overtime to give our family the best start in life.
We made lots of plans for his retirement to go sightseeing around Scotland and just enjoy a bit of space and freedom. But while he was working I was helping our two daughters by babysitting our grandchildren and picking them up from school because their parents have jobs.
I can’t just let them down now by saying “sorry we won’t be home today” can I? That wouldn’t be fair, would it? But unfortunately this is causing real tension between my husband and I because he thinks this is “our time” and we should have the freedom to enjoy it together. I feel torn in two and I just don’t know what to do to keep everyone happy.
Maggie says
Trust me, you are not alone in facing this dilemma. Lots of grandparents are in exactly the same situation. You have gladly supported your daughters by helping out with babysitting and picking your grandchildren up from school. Clearly that is valuable to them and it’s something you enjoy doing.
But you have to consider your husband’s position too. He has looked forward to a well-earned retirement and wants to enjoy it by sharing time with you.
So the end result is you feel torn in two and are left feeling that no matter what you do you are letting someone down – and as all women know, we hate that feeling.
I think you have to discuss this with your husband and try to find a compromise. You want to enjoy the freedom to have ‘away days’ with him but you also have obligations to your children and grandchildren.
Hopefully he will appreciate the fact you are being honest with him and together you can work out a plan which works for all of you. It won’t be easy. There will need to be give and take on both sides.
But the only way forward is to talk this out honestly with your husband and your family. Don’t feel guilty about trying to find a practical way forward so you and your husband can enjoy time together, you both deserve it.
Compromises have to be made, but in the end hopefully a solution can be found which may not be perfect, but if it’s workable – go for it.