DEALING WITH A STUBBORN DAD

Dear Maggie

My dad is 83 and a very stubborn, singleminded person.

He was widowed last year but still lives in his own home.

He is not very mobile so he relies on me and my family for shopping, chores and the like.

We love him to bits but we have had a couple of rows lately, mainly due to him doing things he shouldn’t, such as fiddling with the plumbing in the house.

He’ll do that, muck something up and then we have to go there and call out a plumber to fix it.

But when we try to tell him to stop and rely on the experts, he gets stroppy.

How do we find a happy balance between caring for him, keeping him safe and living our own lives?

Maggie says

Anyone who has cared for an elderly relative will understand exactly how frustrated you feel.

As people get older they get more fixed in their opinions, more determined to hold on to their independence and their own way of doing things.

Life becomes just one big stand-off.

I am sure your dad really appreciates your care and attention but he is just trying to assert his belief that he is still capable and can cope with life in the way he always did.

He’ll still want to feel he can do the practical things around the house.

Frustrating though it is, perhaps you need to indulge him in that – but keep a careful eye on safety issues.

I’m sure he is very appreciative of the help and love he receives from you and your family.

It will mean so much to him just knowing you are there.

Many other elderly people don’t have that support.

Try to understand that it isn’t easy for him to feel dependent on his child.

All his life his role has been to care for his family and stubbornly he is finding the role reversal difficult.

Your love for him is clear in every word you have written. He’s a very lucky man and I bet deep down he knows it.

Enjoy your time together with him but allow him to be who he is for as long as he feels capable of doing practical things – even if it means picking up the pieces later.

Try not to worry too much and go easy on yourself – you’re doing a great job.