I ripped up my life to be with my long-distance husband. How do we now get the love back?

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries

Dear Maggie

Soon after we got married, my husband’s firm offered him a well-paid promotion. It was too far away for him to commute, so he rented a room during the week and came home at weekends.

His job made him really tired, but we managed like this for three years. Eventually it became too much for him and he persuaded me to give up our home to move nearer to his job.

I was sad about it, because I knew I’d miss my family and friends, but I thought it was worth it for us to be together. The problem is, now we’re living together full time again, he seems distant and lacking in affection and even suggested we sleep in separate rooms.

I don’t understand why he wanted me to move and I’m not sure how to get the love back into our marriage.

I can understand why you are disappointed that after making the move to be with your husband, things are not working out as you had planned. You gave up the security of home, family and friends for his sake and hoped that life would be happy for both of you.

But it sounds as if he got so accustomed to having his own space for three years that he isn’t able to adjust easily to the change in circumstances.

Men are less adaptable than women. It takes them time to understand how the daily routines have changed. During those three years he was on his

Maggie says

own, he no doubt missed you, but he got into the habit of working late, coming home to watch TV before falling into bed exhausted.

Not much of an existence and he must have hoped that with you there life would be different. But he’s not making the effort to change. Naturally you feel disappointed and let down by his lack of affection.

Take him out for a meal next weekend to a local restaurant you want to try. Hopefully both of you will relax and have a pleasant evening. No heavy chat or searching questions, keep it lighthearted.

Why not find out what’s going on locally, perhaps join an evening class learning about something which interests you or attending a gym and meeting new people? Create a life for yourself in your new environment and take the pressure off your husband.

These small steps towards making a life for yourself are important for your own self esteem and they may just be the wake up call he needs.

Hopefully before too long you will both be able to talk about how you are feeling without getting into the blame game. It’s not your job alone to get the love back into your marriage. It’s his responsibility too. Take the first steps towards a more positive outlook for your own life and it may be the wake up call he needs to appreciate the caring woman he married.