I don’t expect to be besties with my ex’s wife but she makes me feel so awkward. What do I do?

Looking for practical advice, relationship help or emotional support? As a mum-of-four, grandmother-of-eight and dear friend to many, Margaret’s years of experience make her the ideal person to turn to with your worries

Dear Maggie

Since my ex-husband’s re-marriage, our 11-year-old son has always got along well with his stepmum.

I’m on a perfectly friendly footing with my ex, but I struggle to talk with his new wife, and as she and I are the ones that tend to organise the visits it’s really hard for me. I’m normally great at talking to people, so I have no idea why I feel like this, especially as she has gone out of her way to be polite and friendly on the phone.

I could really do with some advice on how to get along better with her, as it’s obviously important we maintain a good relation for my son. Why can’t I do better at this?

Maggie says

You may find this hard to hear and difficult to accept, but I have to be honest – could it possibly be that you harbour some feelings of resentment about this woman who has married your ex-husband and taken on the role of stepmother to your son? On the surface it would seem that you have accepted the changes in your life after your marriage ended. You are on a friendly footing with your husband and your son gets along well with his stepmother. So far so good. But I wonder if perhaps there is an underlying feeling that this woman has “stolen” something important from you? Our emotions are tricky at the best of times, but perhaps it’s time to be really honest with yourself – could there be just a part of yourself which feels left out?

We are all good at hiding from the truth. You are someone who is outgoing and has no problems talking to people

– but this woman is different. Could the reason for your struggles in communicating easily with her be because there is just a little bit of jealousy?

She is taking on some of the roles and responsibilities of your past life and it’s perfectly understandable that this makes you uncomfortable.

I hope you can take an honest and searching look at the situation and allow yourself to feel what you feel. There’s no rulebook which says you have to be best mates with someone who is married to your ex-husband. You are doing the responsible thing by keeping on polite but friendly terms with her for your son’s sake.

Keep the conversations about arrangements simple and straightforward. Be pleasant and co-operative – but don’t expect more of yourself or of her.

Good manners matter and you are both doing well in keeping things calm and positive on the surface for the sake of everyone involved, but don’t worry if you and your husband’s new wife never become best buddies.

You are doing the very best you can – be proud of that.