Gran-of-eight Maggie Clayton’s advice column

Dear Maggie

My husband and I bought our home more than 30 years ago and we raised our family of two sons and a daughter there. My husband died last year and I have continued to live there alone, but the family think the house and garden are too much for me to cope with and are urging me to sell the house and buy something smaller. I know that makes practical sense but I love my home, which holds so many memories I enjoy pottering in the garden. I love having my grandchildren for sleepovers. I have good neighbours and friends in the village where we live. So why must I make a decision to sell my home? I know the house is a lot of work but I am fit and healthy and I’m not ready to give up a happy home to settle for some small, manageable flat just because my family have decided that’s best for me. Am I being a difficult elderly woman? How can I get my family to understand how much this means to me?

Maggie says

You have expressed clearly what so many people feel as they grow older. They know their family wants what seems like the best option for them, but in their heart they just aren’t ready to give up the place where they have spent so many happy years of married life.

Our homes hold memories of living and loving. To walk away from that is something we cannot easily contemplate and, unless necessary, why should we?

It seems to me you still feel able and competent to run your home. So why not enjoy that for a bit longer?

Try talking to your family about how you feel. Explain to them you are physically able to manage the house and garden and if, in time, you can’t then perhaps a move to somewhere less demanding will seem a good idea. But not yet. While you have the energy and the determination to enjoy your home and all the memories it holds, then you have every right to do so.

Families can be a bit overcontrolling when it comes to elderly relatives. They are doing it for what they see as the right reasons. But at this age you have earned the right to make your own choices.

Dear Maggie

I have three children now all at school and I want to go back to work but my husband thinks I should be a stay-athome mum for a bit longer.

He works long hours and he says the children need the stability of having me there if they need me.

His job pays the mortgage, is his argument, and my job is the family. But surely if I arrange after-school care for the children, I should be able to get a job to help afford things like a foreign holiday? Every time I talk about this he gets tetchy. How can I convince him?

Maggie says

It’s not going to be easy, I suspect. He obviously thinks: if the system works why change it?

But you, too, have every right to make decisions about what you want for yourself and the family. Start thinking about what sort of job you’d like. Explore possibilities for after-school child care. Plan for this new stage in family life. Hopefully you will find what is right for you and the family. Don’t give up. Good luck.