Revealed: The neuroscience of reigniting flagging relationships

Here, Stephanie Cacioppo explains how we can use simple techniques to activate the posterior insula, the part of the brain that plays a key role in falling in love.

The majority of couples rate physical intimacy as being “very important” to their relationship, and a healthy love life is, according to the sociologists Sinikka Elliott and Debra Umbersen, seen as a cultural signifier of “marital bliss.” What this means is that most people in relationships view love without desire as being not quite complete. And neuroscientific findings seem to reinforce this idea, since the insula is a critical part of the love network and it seems to need a deep emotional and cognitive connection, in addition to a passionate physical connection, to be fully fired up.

Yet I wonder if you could compensate for a lack of physical chemistry by finding other, nonsexual ways to activate the posterior insula? I’m not talking about some cutting-edge technique like deep brain stimulation that is, at least for the moment, best confined to clinical settings. Instead, a simple behavioural brain hack might do the trick.

Remember that the posterior insula is also activated by food. This part of the brain manages the awareness, perception, recognition, and memory of taste. So, if you’re having trouble connecting with your partner, why not try your luck in the kitchen? Try creating new recipes together, or cooking together, or sharing a delicious meal together – even if it’s just a meatless burger and salad – and focus on the novelty of the flavours, the sensuality of that shared experience, and let your brain, including the insula, do the magic.

Beyond taste, the posterior insula is like a radar for a range of sensory and bodily experiences. Cuddling, hugging your partner, or smelling pleasant fragrances together will also likely activate this region. And, as highlighted by the Swedish neuroscientist India Morrison, the posterior insula’s location in the brain circuitry of stress buffering suggests that such pleasant sensory experiences will have a calming and grounding effect on you and your partner.

Walking together, running together, or dancing together are just examples of other activities that will switch on this part of the insula.

Studies have shown that couples who dance together are happy together. Not only will you again trigger some of the bodily sensations of pleasure that spark in the insula but you can also reduce stress and increase relationship satisfaction. The lesson to take from this is that your connection to your beloved is a profound one that benefits from cognitive and bodily feedback. Luckily, when it comes to the insula, there’s more than one way to awaken your senses.

Extracted from Wired For Love: A Neuroscientist’s Journey Through Romance, Loss And The Essence Of Human Connection, Robinson, is out now