I’mstillbitteraboutdifficult decade when my hubby put workandfriendsbeforefamily

Dear Maggie

When I met my partner, who is 10 years older than me, 17 years ago, he was my dream man – intelligent, protective, handsome and kind.

At first marriage was a fun whirlwind of travel and nights out but not long after our first child was born, everything changed. He started his own business and became obsessed with making it work, often missing family holidays and spending late nights away while I struggled with our baby. I became resentful because he would still find time for things like weekends away with his friends.

Meanwhile, I gave up my career and missed out on time with my close friends and even gave up my yoga classes so I could be at home for our son.

For about 10 years I felt like I actually hated him. In the last couple of years, though, he has changed for the better. He was very supportive when I went through surgical menopause. It’s like I have the man I love back.

The problem is, I still find myself dwelling on the past and get irritated when I think of all the years I wasted feeling lonely and neglected. Should I let sleeping dogs lie? Or suggest counselling? Or is there another way you can suggest that I move forward?

Deborah, Airdrie

Maggie says

Clearly you are a woman who is able to understand the challenges you are facing with emotional intelligence and insight. But don’t underestimate yourself, and be confident about how you want to live your life.

You’re prepared to listen to what your husband wants and that’s admirable but you have a duty to yourself and I can understand you feel bitter.

I suggest you talk to your husband about going to couples’ counselling. You will be able to explain how you feel emotionally and you may be surprised at his response. Couples’ counselling isn’t a blame game - it’s a practical way for two people to air their views.

Many men don’t like the idea of talking about their emotions but hopefully together you will be able to work through your problems. If he is unwilling to go to counselling with you, why not go yourself and be open and honest with the counsellor about how this situation is affecting you emotionally? You have a duty to yourself to protect your physical and mental health and right now you are putting that at risk by going round in circles worrying about not being able to “fix” your husband.

Try to start thinking

positively about yourself and what you want. You are an intelligent and capable woman and I believe you will come through this difficult time with courage and a new perspective on life.

If he is stubborn and rejects your suggestions, don’t dwell on it. Trust your own judgment and protect yourself by planning treats for yourself. It might be something as simple as finding voluntary work which would interest you and give you a sense of satisfaction that you have something to offer someone who values your company.

Every morning tell yourself that you will make the most of the day which lies ahead. Positive thinking is the way forward.

Depression is a sinister thing and it comes in various guises. But from your letter I feel sure that you are strong enough not to give in to it. Be kind to yourself - you deserve it.

Are you struggling in these uncertain times? Contact Maggie for advice by emailing ps@sundaypost. com