Goop grief: I’m stressed and Gwyneth’s app for meditating might just send me over edge
I love the scene in the classic film Network where deranged anchorman Howard Beale snaps, live on air, and launches into a tirade against the horrors of contemporary life. “I’m a human being. My life has value. I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
Played by Peter Finch, a role which won him the Best Actor Oscar, his outrage inspires the viewers and soon they’re all shouting out their windows about how they’re mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore either.
Nowadays they would vent their frustration on social media, screaming into the void.
I often think how satisfying it would be to do a Howard Beale: to give full throttle to the anger simmering inside waiting to erupt like Mount Vesuvius. Imagine if you said what you really thought... I’m quite tempted, though I don’t think the producer of my programme would be as delighted as Faye Dunaway, who shouts gleefully that “We’ve hit the motherlode!” as their ratings rocket.
I suspect I’d just get the sack. But, boy, what a way to go out, in a blaze of glory (possibly applauded by my colleagues?) as I walked in slow motion to the front desk to collect my P45.
It’s hard to believe life was as stressful back in the ’70s when the movie was made. There is so much to be stressed about now; the cost-of-living crisis, potholes, climate change and Sting’s daughter being cast in the Netflix series Riley despite having no discernible acting talent. It’s all too much.
Well, how do we quiet our minds and deal with the irritations that strew our path every day? Thankfully the universe has given us Gwyneth Paltrow, a wellness superhero who’s swooped in to save us all.
Having given us ruinously expensive clothes, weirdsmelling candles and a glimpse of a lifestyle so luxurious it makes you weep with jealousy, she has launched a meditation app.
This ancient practice originated in India and has been around for thousands of years. But if it’s not advertised on the Goop website, does it really exist? It’s an existential conundrum for our times.
Putting my scepticism to the side I decided to give it a go – it had been a particularly stressful day. Maybe Gwyneth could soothe me.
The Hollywood star’s AI meditation app, called Moments of Space, promises to connect us to our higher selves. I didn’t feel very zen though as I tried to download it. I really didn’t want to have to pay nearly thirty quid to find inner peace. And I know from bitter experience that cancelling a direct debit before a week’s free trial expires is an exercise in futility and would really stress me out. Oh, the irony.
Eventually, the serene face of the American beauty appeared on the screen and I began to listen to her calming voice. She told me to imagine that: “There is no past. Imagine there is no future. And in a sense, isn’t that true? Because what has been, no longer is and what’s to come never will be. All that there is and ever will be is the present. An ever-evolving now. Now let your mind relax here in this eternally present now.”
I’m too busy trying to make sense of this nonsense to feel at peace with my emotions. It’s not awakening my deeper consciousness. Far from it. I’m practically hyperventilating and that’s before I’ve listened to the section on deep breathing.
Of course, I’m being facetious. Many people swear by mindfulness and meditation and it’s proven to help our mental health. I’m just not sure it’s for me. The good thing about Gwyneth’s version is that you’re encouraged to do it with your eyes open. Which is great as you can get on with the hoovering as you connect to your spirituality. Killing two birds with one app.