Do shared emails really make a marriage better?
OSCAR-WINNING actress Cate Blanchett caused a stir last week when she said one of the secrets of her happy marriage is the fact she and husband Andrew Upton share an email address and she reads his messages. Is this what makes a modern marriage tick? Two
WELL done, Mr Blanchett — you’re obviously one smart cookie. Because you’ve effectively handed over control of your life to your wife.
What that means, in reality, is that she has to take responsibility for all the Boring Bits of family life — and don’t pretend there aren’t any.
Picture the scene in the Blanchett household. “Ooh, Cate, I hate that nasty email thing that causes me sooo much work — reading and replies and stuff. You’re so much better at it. Brilliant in fact…”
Before she knows it, poor old Cate is dealing with the boring work stuff, the bills, the tedious trawling of confused.com, (or its Australian equivalent which I believe is called strewth-I’m-confused.com) when it’s time to renew the buildings and contents insurance.
Meanwhile, it wouldn’t surprise me one jot if Mr Blanchett — or Andrew Upton, as he prefers to be known — has his own sneaky email address solely meant for fun.
I’m not suggesting for a minute he’s up to anything that would make a mockery of his marriage vows.
But he’s probably a lot more switched on than he suggests.
His secret email account might contain the funnies from friends, the “fancy a pint on Friday?” and “you’ll never guess what I’ve just heard” stuff.
Because we all know men gossip, they just pretend they’re above it.
Meanwhile, harassed control freak Cate is run ragged making sure everything gets done, while her husband gets off with it all by pretending he’s a bit thick and not up to it.
The arrangement obviously suits Mr and Mrs B, so you can’t knock it.
She clearly wants to run the Blanchett show.
And he’s happy for his wife to take the reins, in between making awardwinning films.
The whole thing kind of puts me in mind of when Jamie Oliver’s wife Jools admitted to reading Jamie’s texts.
Not, of course, because she doesn’t trust him. But because she doesn’t trust demon women who are after her super-successful husband.
I always thought that was a bit of a dodgy excuse. I mean. how would they get her husband’s phone number in the first place?
Maybe it’s just me, but once you get to the stage you have to go through your husband’s phone just to reassure yourself that he’s not Up To anything, your relationship is in a bit of a state.
Isn’t it?
WHAT’S the secret to a successful marriage? Honesty? Communication? Making time for each other? Cleaning the toilet without your wife having to ask you 43 times?
Probably all of the above, but if Hollywood beauty Cate Blanchett is to be believed, sharing an email account with your other half and having a wee keek at their messages whenever you choose seems to be the route to marital nirvana.
Are sharing and snooping really at the root of wedded bliss?
Well, on the one hand I’m happy to share responsibility for loading the dishwasher with my wife, but she can think again if she has any designs on that fudge doughnut I bought.
It’s mine. Mine mine mine! I’ll buy you your own fudge doughnut if you want one, but don’t go asking for half of my sweet golden orb of fudgey heaven.
Don’t touch it, don’t look at it, don’t even think aboutit. LEAVE MY DOUGHNUT ALONE, WIFE! Sorry. I really like fudge doughnuts. No, sharing isn’t the be all and end all. Clearly coveting all your possessions (doughnuts aside) and not letting your love use anything of yours is taking things a bit far, but it’s as important to keep some things for yourself as it is to delight in shared experiences and the spirit of giving.
In our relationship my wife and I have a joint savings account and divide the household bills fairly, but in 20 years together we’ve always kept our current accounts separate.
That way it feels like we’re contributing equally to our shared life while maintaining our individual financial identity. I can go mad on fudge doughnuts and she can buy all the cushions she desires (I’m not being sexist — doughnuts and cushions are genuinely how we spend much of our disposable income in a typical month).
Sharing is great in moderation, but take it to the extreme and you risk losing your sense of self.
As for taking a sly shufty at the emails of your nearest and dearest, I’m afraid I’m strictly in the “eyes off” camp.
Like Cate Blanchett and her hubby, my wife and I share an inbox, but we also share a letter box in our front door and I’d no more open her emails than I would her snail mail.
We can go to town on spam to our hearts’ content, but anything that’s clearly private is for the recipient’s eyes only.
If she wants me to see what’s in one of her emails, she’ll show me, and vice versa.
Trust isn’t about letting your sweetheart read your emails, it’s about not feeling the need to open theirs at will, and being fine with that. That’s the real sign of a happy and secure relationship.
Mind you, if I clocked an email titled “You can eat MY fudge doughnuts any time you like, baby!” I might just find my finger hovering over that “read message” button...