Let’s make bad fitba compulsory

SO how are you today, then? Feeling relaxed? Fewer cares in the world than you might expect for a person of your age and weight? Not feeling the need to seek solace at the bottom of a beer glass?

I know – weird, isn’t it. And you know why it is? It’s because those brave boys in blue upheld the fine tradition of Scottish football by not being able to kick their way out of a wet Greggs bag when it mattered, and not qualifying for the European Championship.

This past week has been a televisual delight for me. Without Scotland being there I’ve been able to appreciate the football for itself and applaud teams based on their merit – yes, even England – rather than hiding behind the sofa dreading the anxiety and embarrassment that are sure to follow our team walking on to the pitch.

My blood pressure is on an even keel and my wife has even found me willing to have the odd basiclevel conversation.

And that’s why I’d like to suggest that, along with banning smoking in public and slapping a minimum price on booze, the Scottish Government should make inept football compulsory as the next

Many will have gone to the great theme pub in the sky

step in its plan to make Scotland a healthier place.

I mean, did you see some of those Irish fans – our close genetic cousins – when they beat Italy last week? Oh yes, they might have been deliriously happy, but judging by the red faces, bulging veins and bloodshot eyes, many of them will have gone to the great theme pub in the sky before the next World Cup.

Which reminds me of Scotland’s first World Cup game in Argentina, against Peru. I had a ferocious stomach ache all day which only subsided after we’d lost, ineptly.

That was the day I realised that hoping for Scotland to get anything right was a form of gradual suicide.

Of course, I expect that once every Scottish child has a named person looking out for them, anyone under 18 whose parents allow them to watch Scottish football will be taken into care. Oh how I wish I could have been locked away before we drew with Iran!

But that still leaves Andy Murray, who has given us genuine hope but insists on losing the first two sets of every game.

Ach well, I suppose you’ve got to die of something.