Hand the DJ wear - let's ditch formal wear

MY INTRO local rag carries a weekly page of photographs from various social events that have occurred across the region.

Charity balls, prestigious awards ceremonies, all that stuff. And I just love it.

I realise it’s the nasty side of me (what do you mean, “Is there another one?”) but if you’re feeling down there’s nothing like looking at other people trying to look sophisticated for cheering you up.

If they all turned up in standard smart-casual it would be fine, but nine times out of 10 the event will have been “black tie” and that’s where it all goes hilariously to pot.

Ordinary people who in everyday life look perfectly fine dressed in normal clothes from M&S suddenly try to look like James Bond or Audrey Hepburn – and fail, as they are bound to.

That’s because some women are too big for a little black dress and some men look more like Sean the Sheep than Sean Connery.

I know, because I’m one of them. I know that whenever I don a DJ I look like the head waiter in a 1970s TV restaurant sketch, and that’s why I eventually decided that if I had to resemble a prat I wouldn’t keep paying for the privilege.

At least I sort of blend in with everyone when I ditch the jacket.

For years I topped up the profits of Moss Bros every time I had to go to some hotel to attempt schmoozing for press purposes over prosecco and rubber chicken.

Then I got wise, went to Matalan and bought a perfectly serviceable dinner suit – with shirt and clip-on tie – for £80. I think it will see me out.

And however daft I look, at least I sort of blend in with everyone else and when I get rid of the jacket and tie half way through the evening, I almost look normal. Unlike those deluded saps who go for white jackets, red bow ties, massive cummerbunds and frilly shirts.

They should realise that less is more, a rule that applies even more vigorously if you are insane enough to go for a kilt. If it hangs below your knees before the evening starts, Lord knows where it’s going to be by Auld Lang Syne.

One day I hope we’ll take this argument to its logical conclusion and abandon formal wear so that people can spend an evening of celebration, networking or simple enjoyment looking like themselves.

I always preferred Katharine Hepburn anyway.